Angry Ward: Cashman, Zebras, Charlie Sheen

Cash n' stache.

BRONX, NY – Had an unsettling night of terror last night involving Tom Coughlin’s fiery red skull chasing me down the streets of Manhattan. For the longest time it didn’t say a word, and then it started shrieking, “Two minutes left! Don’t f*** it up!” over and over and over again, until I woke up. I was actually rattled for a split second until I remembered where I was and that I was a Minnesota Vikings fan and that I had experienced much greater horrors with my team in actual life than anything my subconscious could possibly conjure. Still, there are some things in sports that can be a bit unsettling.

Brian Cashman. Have you seen the Yankees GM lately? He looks like he’s in the Jewish Delicatessen Witness Protection Program. “Creepy” would be an appropriate adjective. If he approached me to make a deal, I’d call the cops. One thing’s for sure, if George Steinbrenner were still alive, he would fire Cash for looking like a jackass.

Cash n' stache.
Cash n’ stache.

NFL Officials. Just about every week NFL officials make a call (or fail to make a call) that clearly affects the outcome of a game and apologize for it a day later. How is this a thing? How can refs blow a call, lose a game for a team, and still come back the following week with a job? All through the 1980s, my friend Cheesy Bruin assured me that the fix was in on NFL and college games. We’re now in the year 2015 and I believe him more today than I did then.

Bobby Bonilla Still on the Payroll. Yeah, everyone knows this. Bobby Bonilla is still making over a million a year as a New York Met. Not that I want any favors done for the Wilpons, but shouldn’t the Mets be able to force Bonilla to work for the club in some capacity in order to keep collecting his money? Seems fair. How about making him a surly bat boy or slow-witted grounds crew member or maybe even a low-level clubhouse employee who runs snack errands for the likes of Bartolo Colon. Think of it as MLB Workfare.

Wild Thing. Charlie Sheen once paid over $6,500 for a whole section of seats at an Angels/Tigers game hoping to catch Cecil Fielder’s 50th home run. He also paid handsomely for other cool stuff like Babe Ruth’s 1927 Championship ring and the baseball Mookie Wilson hit between Buckner’s legs.  As we found out this week, when it came to paying for things between legs, he should have stuck with baseballs. Nevertheless, we wish Wild Thing nothing but the best and hope he turns his attention back to outdoor sports.

Charlie played football in "Lucas," making him a cinematic two-sport star.
Charlie played football in “Lucas,” making him a cinematic two-sport star.

ISIS. I don’t ever think of ISIS when I go to a sporting event, but that’s really because I mostly go to Columbia Football games and horse races at Belmont, which are such soft targets that terrorists don’t even know they exist. Really, when I hear Isis, the first thing that comes to mind is the mid-70s Filmation-produced Saturday morning Wonder Woman ripoff. As for ISIL, that’s where Gilligan, Skipper, and the rest of the castaways were stranded. Nope, not gonna think about any threats to sports besides rising beer prices, apathetic fans, and Roger Goodell. Take your posturing somewhere else, you bums. You don’t like it? MTM CEO Matt McSissy is in the phone book and he ain’t ascared of nuthin’.

Come back tomorrow for a much better piece of writing from Grinding Ax Walter Hynes.

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About Angry Ward 747 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.