Fatso Hits A Homer, Boy George Kentucky Derby Queen, Couch Potato Sports

BRONX, NY– I’m dog-sitting on yet another overcast/rainy Seattle-like Saturday. It’s just me, my dog Biscuit and the vociferous Griffey for an extended weekend. I’ve really got to teach Angry Ward’s dog Griffey (yep, that Griffey) how to “drop a deuce” in the rain in quicker fashion than he does now. It’s almost as if this cute dog needs the Sunday paper to stimulate his bowels. But there’s a full bottle of Maker’s Mark to keep me happy while all three of us dawgs loll around watching sports and eating “Jew food” courtesy of Liebman’s in Riverdale. Here’s a recap of the bourbon-filled sports extravaganza.

Screen Shot 2016-05-07 at 10.19.46 PM1:00 PM: First glass, a healthy two rock, three-finger pour of my favorite bourbon as I settle in for the pivotal Game 5 of St. Louis Blues at Dallas Stars. Tied at two games apiece, this series has the look of one that might go the distance. The Blues are heavy and opportunistic in their play to the point where they head home for a Game 6 looking to close things out after yesterday’s 4-1 win that saw little push-back from the Stars as they had two power-plays that netted nothing when down by two goals in the third period.  St. Louis netminder, Brian Elliot has been large and in charge, especially during the critical third period and looks like he and his team might be on one of those magical runs to a Stanley Cup.  I’ve seen all I need to see in this series over the past few games–Blues close ’em out next game.

2:00 PM: Watch some idiots do annoying but accurate impressions of Mad Dog Chris Russo. Click this.

3:30 PM: How bad are the Red Sox? Taking it on the chin at the hands of the Bronx Bummers! Eight runs?  Are the Yankees running into some good luck or are the Sox pitchers that bad?  After hockey’s final buzzer and a second empty glass, the dogs take a tandem piss as Angry Griffey obviously takes after his master, and barks at everything that moves during our bathroom breaks.  I’m hungry and head to the deli/restaurant for some feed after the walk.  The Latino guy behind the counter sporting a Yankee cap, fills my order… a small matzoh ball soup, potato pancake and a kasha knish (for you non-Yiddish speaking goyim, that’s a meat knish). Should hold me for the rest of the day.

4:00 PM: Check out Twitter and see the Hot Surfing Girls that @MeetTheMatts shared. Nice.

Kentucky_Derby Queen Boy_George @CheesyBruin Meet_The_Matts
@CheesyBruin and Cheesy Boy George

4:30 PM: What the frog?!  Is Boy George covering NBC’s coverage of the Kentucky Derby?  Who’s the “queen” wearing the lamp shade of a hat and making a $2500 Mint Julep?  There’s so much wrong with this and I won’t comment further so I’m not viewed as callous or homophobic or otherwise.  All I’ll say is I like my bourbon “straight” – if you catch my drift.

5:30 PM: The food goes down well and that’s not all that goes down.  A spill occurs during the Woodford Reserve (more bourbon) Stakes at Churchill Downs involving two horses and their dismounted jockeys.  JG Clancy didn’t have a bet on either as all participants walk away unscathed unlike the infamous Karma Shield.  One hour later it’s only fitting that on a hockey Saturday, Nyquist, wins the Derby.

7:30 PM: The first ten minutes of Penguins-Capitals is frantic.  Another generous pour of Maker’s is in hand, one dog by my feet and the other attached to my hip while I pound these computer keys and the score is tied at one.

Fatso Hits A Homer

8:40 – 11:45 PM: Fatso Hits A Homer! Pigs were flyin’ as Big Bartolo Colon hit his first Major League Homer. If you think that’s crazy, David Wright hit one, too! And so did Michael Confortofor his hot mom. The Mets are now first in having the oldest guy ever to his first – Fartolo – and the oldest player to ever go yard; Julio Franco. That could mean that they always suck and try to get something out of old guys. You hear me, Ricky Henderson, El Duque and Moises Alou? And Big Bart won the game. Amazin’…

That’s it for now, come back tomorrow for DJ Eberle, who is somewhere chanting The Worst Baseball Chant Ever for his sh!tty New York Yankees… or Buffalo Bills.

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About Cheesy Bruin 491 Articles
A man amongst men. Cheesy Bruin kicked cancer to the curb - twice. The Cheese Man's a big, tough teddy-bear who survived the Bronx despite being an unabashed Boston Bruins fan and Sargent-At-Arms for Angry Ward's Urban Spur Posse. Nuff said. Doctors have taken most of this throat and had to make him a new tongue from thigh-meat (his own) and still he won't shut up about the Bruins, Cowboys, Pirates and Cleveland Cavaliers. And yes, his kids do love him.