BRONX, NY – Well, the Major League Baseball trading deadline has come and gone and here’s what we know. The Yankees know they suck and sold off half their team and don’t really give a rat’s ass about George Steinbrenner’s corpse spinning faster than a Cuisinart blender on “liquify.” We also know that Jonathan Lucroy thinks Cleveland is an unimaginable hell hole and that he’s probably right. Finally, we know that the Texas Rangers are all in, mostly because the Republican Party is toast, the Bush family has been rendered powerless, and the rapture is nigh. What we don’t know much about are all of those deadline deals that didn’t go through. Until now…
A-Rod to ISIS… The Yankees had a better chance of dealing a case of anal warts than Alex Rodriguez until ISIS stepped in at the 11th hour. A contract-dump deal pure and simple, ISIS considered paying some of the remainder of A-Rod’s horrid contract, but weren’t about to ship any of their own bombers to the Bronx. They were drawn to the purple-lipped pretty boy’s me-first, win-at-all costs approach. But in the end, they decided to pass, feeling the 41-year-old Rodriguez had lost too much of his explosiveness.
Yasiel Puig to Cuba for Elian Gonzalez… You gotta give the Dodgers credit, they did everything they could to move disgruntled outfielder Yasiel Puig before the trade deadline. With his best interests at heart, LA thought that maybe returning to his native Cuba would have made the erratic Puig the happiest. A covert three-team trade was worked out wherein Puig would be catapulted back into Havana under the cover of darkness while grown up little stick-raft refugee Gonzalez would be sent back to Miami, who would have then sent owner Jeffrey Loria to live in the La Brea Tar Pits. It would have happened had Cuban President Raul Castro caught wind and put the kibosh on it. Said Castro, “With trades like this, let’s just leave the embargo in place.”
Carlos Beltran’s Mole to Texas for a Rash to be Named Later… That’s right, the Beltran to Rangers deal could have been even bigger, but Texas didn’t want the slugger’s famous facial growth. Onetime Dr. Jonathan Zizmor spokesmole, Guaca Beltran (as he’s known) has been on his own for a while now with his own agent, Blotch Boras. The Rangers passed, as they were strictly looking for starters and not mole-players.
Matt Harvey to Minnesota for the Mayo Clinic… In desperate need of honest to goodness real medical attention, the New York Mets were reportedly willing to deal their injured star pitcher and face of the franchise for the best Docs around. Unfortunately, the Mayo Clinic invoked its no-trade clause, citing a genuine concern that, being in New York, they would be forced to treat noted hypochondriac Short Matt on a consistent basis.
There were other deals on the table including Lucroy to Mars, Cano to the Canadiens and Ryan Howard to Sanford and Son Salvage, but none of those went through either.