FU to Hitler, Aaron Judge, Baby Bombers Boner, Hope Solo Gets Arnold Burn

Adolph looks smitten

WHITE PLAINS, NY  – A quick turnaround, but the people want more B-Dubs. What can I do but give the people what they want? I’ll be here every Tuesday going forward, so get involved. Here’s another installment of Cheers Bro, Aw Hell No & Man I Don’t Know.

Adolph looks smitten
Adolph looks smitten

CHEERS BRO
Olympic Athletes – The improvement of Olympic athletes over time is stunning. Whether it’s better training methods, a bigger field, PEDs, more specialization, Donald Trump, or some combination, it can’t be denied. Records are going out like Cespedes with a sore toe. (He’s a 6 handicap now, so get off his back). Three examples:

Lightning Bolt
Lightning Bolt

1.  Tom Hicks, the American winner of the Olympic Marathon in 1904 took almost 3.5 hours to finish. Kenyan Samuel Kamau ran it in a record 2:06.32 in 2008. At this rate, expect someone to finish in just over an hour in the 2116 Olympics in Las Vegas (which will be on the Pacific by then).

2. The Great Jesse Owens won the 100 meter sprint in 1936 with a time of 10.3. In 2012, 6 runners finished the race in under 10 seconds. 10.3 in this year’s semis would barely have qualified Owens for Monday’s 100 meter final. (For the record, I take nothing away from Owens here. The first man to win 4 golds in one Olympics on top of a big FU to Adolph can’t be topped).

Does Bruce still have his javelin?
Does Bruce still have his javelin?

Usain Bolt won his third straight gold in Rio in this event with a time 9.81. Is Bolt his real last name? It’s too perfect.

3. Bruce Jenner’s gold medal decathlon performance in 1976 would’ve beaten the 2012 winner Ashton Eaton in only 3 of 10 events; the discus throw, javelin throw, and 1,500 meter run.

Phelps – There seems to be plenty of Phelps hate out there, but you gotta give it up for this guy. Phelps went out with gold, swimming the 3rd leg butterfly in the 4×100 medley relay.  Phelps finishes his Olympic career with an unbelievable 23 gold and 28 total medals. King Tut’s tomb had less gold in there. Recognize.

Back to Back and Belly to Belly!
Back to Back and Belly to Belly!

Baby BombersTyler Austin and Aaron Judge became the first teammates in MLB History to hit back-to-back homers in their first career at bats. What looked like a snooze-fest of a second half in the Bronx just got pretty damn interesting. Judge’s blast was a 450 foot shot that knocked a few drinks out of the hands of stunned patrons in the Mohegan Sun seats. I have a Baby Bombers Boner.

AW HELL NO
Hope Solo – The mercurial US net minder channeled her inner Trump by calling the Swedish team “cowards” for their defensive-minded game-plan against the US. Stay Class Hope. Playing to your strengths is known as “strategy.” Some cheese with those sour grapes?

Hope Solo, Zika Trollin'
Hope Solo, Zika Trollin’

Swedish coach Pia Sundhage had this reaction when told of Solo’s comments: “I don’t give a crap. I’m going to Rio, she’s going home.” Now this is a solid burn by itself, but do yourself a favor and say it again it with a German accent. Or with a Schwarzenneger accent!

Luis Severino – The expected Yank ace to be has not lived up to expectations and again got shelled on Sunday.  Severino was sent back to the minors on Sunday, sporting a stat line that makes Matt Harvey’s year look decent – W/L: 1-7, 6.42 ERA. Way to end a Yankee winning streak and screw up Mariano Day at the Stadium, guy.

Coach with the Burn
Coach with the Burn

Olympic Crime – The gunpoint robbery of Ryan Lochte and other athletes was the latest high profile crime to hit these Olympics. MtM’s crack fact checkers have been unable to confirm that the robbers thought he was Phelps and let him keep his one medal out of pity.

MAN, I DON’T KNOW
Replacing Giancarlo Stanton: The injury-prone OF is likely out for the season. Does anyone know of an available power hitter/Miami native who would be a good fit? I think 69-year-old Brooks Robinson could play better third base than the guy I’m thinking of, but otherwise it’s perfect.

4 is a Crowd
4 is a Crowd

Jets QBs – Mike Maccagnan says the Jets will keep 4 QBs. Maccagnan is a liar. It’s too many for a 53-man roster. Fitzpatrick and Hackenberg are staying, so that leaves Geno Smith and Bryce Petty on the bubble. Geno is the most game ready should something happen to Fitzmagic, but he is also a free agent at the end of this year, so maybe the most expendable. I reckon the Jets will try to get a draft pick for one of them.

September 8th can’t come soon enough for me.

That’s all for B-Dubs… Feel free to fire away below and come back tomorrow for my pal Angry Ward, who is in Florida… on vacation? Ew. Aside from that, please follow us on Twitter – @BenWhit8 & @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts. Thank you.

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About Ben Whitney 333 Articles
Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.