BRONX, NY – People, you haven’t lived until you’ve overseen long division and multiplication homework for your fourth-grader. If Eli Apple showed even one-tenth of the passion for tackling and defending that my kid shows for not wanting any part of math, he’d be well on his way to becoming the next Dick “Night Train” Lane. Look, I hated math too, but I keep trying to tell her that some of these equations are fairly self-explanatory and take them for what they are. Take sports, for example…
1 – 7 = You’re Fired. Ben McAdoo coached the Giants to the playoffs last year. And by “coached” I mean that he told Eli Manning to throw the ball to Odell Beckham Jr. as much as possible and hope for the best. This year they stink, and McAdoo probably should have been fired already. Don’t worry, he will be. Rex Ryan took the Jets (the Jets!) to two consecutive AFC Championship games and got shown the door. McAdoo’s departure will be addition by subtraction.
Carmelo Anthony is a Zero. You don’t have to be Einstein to figure this one out. Melo is a talented offensive player who will always have trouble fitting in as a part of a larger sum. The Oklahoma City Thunder are currently 4-5. They will definitely improve, but look for Carmelo Anthony to be part of the problem and not the solution.
A Walk < A Hit. I’m sorry but a walk isn’t as good as a hit. Whomever came up with that expression clearly couldn’t hit.
1 + 1 + 1 + 1 + ? = 14. At this point, I’ve lost track, but Antonio Cromartie does indeed have 14 kids by a bunch of different moms. And, apparently, 3 of them came after a vasectomy. That, my friends, is some multiplication rock.
Nothing from Nothing Leaves Nothing. The Houston Texans seemed primed to make a run at the playoffs before quarterback Deshaun Watson had his season ended with a knee injury. Their solution? Backup QB Tom Savage, who gives them absolutely nothing. So, instead of signing a guy like Kaepernick and saving their season, owner Bob McNair, who could use a bold, against-the-grain move to win his players back, will instead allow his team to fall into the abyss. That’s the kind of solid leadership that will get him elected President one day.
I’m 100% sure this column is over. I’m rarely 100% on anything, other than the fact that kicker Blair Walsh is going to royally screw the Seahawks in a big spot, if they keep him that long. Hey, he already cost them a game this past week by missing three FGs. That’s what you get when you take a kicker that gave you a playoff win by missing one of the biggest chip shot field goals ever. Live and don’t learn, I suppose.
Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a guy who once cheated on his algebra regents. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward, @MeetTheMatts & @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.