Angry Ward Wednesday: I’m All in on Legal Sports Gambling

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BRONX, NY – Let’s just cut to the chase this week. The Supreme Court ruled on Monday that states outside of Nevada can now have legal sports gambling. While I’ll be nice and shed a tear for all the old-school bookies, I cheer that the good citizens of New York, New Jersey and every other state in the Union will soon be able to piss away their hard-earned money on sporting events as easily as they’ve been doing on state lotteries all these years. At least with sports you have a puncher’s chance. I sincerely cannot wait to place the following proposition bets.

The New York Mets won’t win a World Series over the next 20 years. This seems like a sensible wager. Not even sure it can be construed as gambling. With Fred Wilpon still kicking, and his dopey son waiting in the wings, this team is doomed for a minimum of two decades. You’ll be (Frank) Cashen a winning ticket on this one.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg tops Samuel Alito in a Supreme Court Arm-Wrestling money match. Do not sleep on RBG. She’s stronger than she looks, and has seen the movie Over the Top over a dozen times.

Sports Gambling

The U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team will win the 2038 World Cup. Why not? By then, they’ll be REALLY due and, with any luck, immigrants will once again be welcome to our shores. Sure you can get some good “futures” odds on this one.

Chris Christie to win the Nathan’s Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating contest in 2019. His political career over, Christie now has nothing but time to focus on his dream of winning the highly-coveted mustard yellow belt. Make no mistake, competitive eating is a sport, and Christie will be in training all summer long downing funnel cakes at the Jersey Shore and then will move to the all-you-can-eat buffets in the luxury suites of his beloved Dallas Cowboys during football season. For added motivation and technical help, he’ll watch the hot dog eating contest scene from Meatballs.

Tiger Woods wins the upcoming British Open. Just kidding. Tiger’s not winning any more majors. Just making sure you’re still awake. But, speaking of events in the United Kingdom…

Royal Wedding doesn’t happen. This weekend Prince Harry is supposed to marry Meghan Markle at Windsor Castle in England. What are the odds it doesn’t happen? I’m sure they have to be taking action on this. He’s kinda always been the wild younger brother type, and she’s an actress fer crissakes! Already there’s some drama with her Dad now saying he’s not going to attend. Oh, wait, now he IS going to attend. Seriously, it seems like there’s some money to be made here.

Coming soon: A huge college football gambling scandal. Book it. This is going to happen. And it will have more to do with players not being paid than it does with the legalization of sports gambling. The NCAA basically deserves every bad thing that will hopefully happen to it.

Robinson Cano used PEDs before this year. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m willing to bet my next 5 years’ MTM salary on this one… and my pension! Cano was using with the Yankees, just like everyone else. And just like a lot of others, he’s still trying to gain an edge any way he can. I’m certain there are plenty of players juicing up during the offseason and also trying the latest in designer “undetectable” enhancers during the season. Let’s please stop making believe this isn’t happening. It is. You can bet on it.

That’s it for this week. Don’t bet on me being back next week, not with everyone else around here enjoying vacations all the time. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who once lost a humiliation bet he’s still paying it off here on a weekly installment plan.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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