Angry Ward Weekly: Ski Lift Sex, Warriors Seats, and Other Stuff I Need Before It’s Too Late

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BRONX, NY – I’m writing this on Monday night, and this will be posting the day after the Midterm Elections, so I’m really not sure that anything in sports really matters enough to mention today. No matter which way last night’s results went, I’m not really psyched about the way the world is trending these days. If we’re gonna stay on this path, there are some things I gotta see, do, experience before I dive headfirst off this mortal coil. To assuage MTM Management, I’ll try to stick mostly to sports.

Vikings Win a Super Bowl. Ha! Seriously, let’s try to stick to truly attainable stuff here.

Sex in a Ski Gondola. I don’t really like skiing per se, but I like all the great add-ons that come with it. I’m talking fresh air, roaring fireplaces, hot tubs, good drinks, and an anything-goes carnal winter carnival atmosphere. If Squirrel Murphy can have sex in a ski gondola in the greatest bad winter movie ever made, Hot Dog: The Movie, anyone can!

The Wilpons No Longer Own the Mets. This one is very doable. It’s already been proven that these dopes can be had. It really shouldn’t be that difficult to snake this team from out under them without much effort at all. Hell, they are just one more con artist away from losing what’s left of their shirts.

Surfing. Unless you count internet porn, I’ve never been surfing… which sucks. Lots of old guys surf. I’m getting old, and am confident that I can be one of those guys.

PARIS-HILTON-BOXING, Bimbo_Coles, Warriors, Meet_The_Matts, Angry_Ward

One Bimbo can’t play hoops… but you should see her box!

Make and Bottle My Own Bourbon. The way things are going, the world is gonna need more booze. I’m up to the challenge. If it’s determined that the world doesn’t need any new bourbons, then I’ll turn my focus to rum. I’m nothing if not flexible.

Floor Seats for the Golden State Warriors. I had floor seats for a Warriors game at MSG a million years ago, when they absolutely sucked. Bimbo Coles was running the point, that’s how long ago we’re talking. I wouldn’t mind seeing THIS team play while they are still together. I’m sure Short Matt can arrange this. They already played the Knicks this year, so maybe fly me out to see them play at the Oracle? OK, boss?

Win an Academy Award. I still haven’t written that screenplay I know I have in me, but sooner or later it’s my hope that the Academy recognizes me for my acting talents. My stint impersonating a sportswriter on this site was recently heralded by Rolling Stone’s Pete Travers as, “One of the most grueling and heartbreaking performances ever. A one-man journalistic hunger strike into the darkest abyss of the American Dream.” So, maybe there’s hope for me yet.

Come back tomorrow for DJ Eberle or whoever, hopefully, surfs in on “The Blue Wave.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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