NEW YORK, NY – Four years from now, in a town about 35 miles beyond the Yankee Stadium Affordable Zone, the following conversation will likely be held between MeetTheMatts.com alumni/current staff, looking back on the $$$Sickening MLB Contracts signed way back in 2019:
Junoir Blaber: [Half-paying attention while typing on very old Blackberry]
Hey man, I saw it all coming and moved to Buffalo. Got my house for the price of Mets season tickets… Oh sh!t, the J-E-T-S lost again! Man U just traded Gillespie. I have to shovel the driveway.
Angry Ward: Tell me about it. It’s f**king cheaper for me to go to a f**king Mariners game than to go to f**cking Wilpon Park (the Wilpons rename CitiField in 2022). And don’t get me started on Shurmur coaching the Vikes… Golden State makes it all worth while, though, 3 more championships.
Cheesy Bruin: [Using new Kenny from South Park app making him intelligible]
F**king Jeff Wilpon should be shot. Make him play goalie without a face mask. Signing Pujols to replace Beltran!? At fifty f**king million for 3 years?! What the f**k is that?!
Ben Whitney: Who cares? I am stoked. The Yanks are looking at Lindor, Harper and Trout. They have room under the cap with Cole and Stanton retiring. They can get all three for about 72 million each per season.
Replacement Matt: Guy, Stanton and Cole didn’t retire. They were f**king bought out after playing a combined 30 games each the last two seasons. And Guy, I hate that Cespedes hit 63 homers for you this year. And the Knicks have to get rid of Dolan.
Different Matt: Kreider really needs to go. He is killing the Rangers penalty-kill.
Short Matt: Remember when beers were only $14 at the ballpark and studio apartments near Yankee Stadium weren’t $4800 a month? $32 a beer is just crazy. I blame Strasburg – the city, not Stephen – and Gerrit Cole. Still can’t believe deGrom’s agent pushed him down that flight of stairs, though, after Jake fired him.
Grinding Ax: He should have pushed Eli Gump down some stairs. HaHa.
Cam James: Hey when was the last time any of you went to a game?
The Tall Matt: You guys are still doing this?
We are, Tall Matt. But we’re done for today. And so is attending sporting events as we knew them. Please comment below and come back tomorrow for Junior Blaber… while you can still afford to.