FLUSHING, NY – Even in the bowels and shadows of La Guardia Airport, The Sun Also Rises. And it has, finally, making the entire borough of Queens look significantly better. Sure, it’s still colder than normal and the virus has the streets 90% empty – or 10% full – depending on your perspective… but today Spring announced that it will be here sooner than later! That, along with some Saturday sunshine, has those of us in virtual contact feeling a bit better about things than we did this whole dreary, wet and annoyingly nippy month. It’s amazin’ what a little star power can do for morale. And there, Ladies & Germs, is the set-up of all set-ups, allowing us to seamlessly segue to our topics du jour: Alternative Celebrity Owners For Mets, Knicks & Cowboys
Earlier this week Angry Ward called yours truly to the
Matt mat re my whingin’ (to be said with a Scottish accent) about Alexander Emmanuel Rodriguez (3rd Most Despicable Man in Sports) and Jennifer Lynn Lopez (his tart). The hullabaloo was about them becoming owners of my beloved Metsies. He cited the “Anybody but the Wilpons” campaign that I, along with anyone not named Wilpon and NOT rooting for the Yankees, has been drunkenly lamenting, raging, sobbing and/or pleading for in sordid man caves, swill-stanked bars and broken/numb rides home on the purgatory simulator that is the 7-Train. In raw and painful retrospect, we’ve been doing this since the firing of Bobby V. But The Sun Also Rises – even for Mets fans, right? Yes. Yes it does, Benjamin Whitney. But for god’s f*cking sake, please don’t let it be forever shrouded by A-Rod. Seriously though, I’d rather Eric Trump – albeit by a slim margin. Give me Peter Angelos or Art Model over him. I’ll take Danny Snyder first. Walter O’Malley, even! Having this piece of sh*t own the team is tantamount to naming a Mets rotunda after a Dodger. Oh wait… But enough with the cathartic digression, let’s get back to the task at hand. The Alternative Celebrity Owner of the NY Mets is… [drum roll] Judd Apatow! He is rich, funny, a crazy Mets fan and went to Syosset F’n High School, for cripe’s sake! He’s pals with Seinfeld, so there’s how we finally hook Jerry. And hell, if he wasn’t successful, he might have replaced West Coast Craig here on Mondays. He’s as close to being one of us without being one of us that he could be!
The precedent is there as Shawn Corey Carter dabbled with the Nets before realizing how much more he could make in the weed biz. Shawn who? Jay-Z, silly. He’s not exactly chump change when it comes to star power but neither is Alicia Keys. She’s a Knicks fan, from here, married to fellow fan Swizz Beatz and they’ve already been at the task of making little Knickerbockers. And isn’t it high time we had a women running the show? Jeanie Buss doesn’t count, so save your letters. If ever there was a close campaign slogan to the the aforementioned Wilpons cry, it’s “Anyone but Dolan!” Keys is the one to make Buddy Diaz and Dude giddily squirm in their seats watching games again.
Full Disclosure: As a Giants fan I want the Cowgirls to be owned by Jerry Jones forever. It’s how Yankees fans want the Wilpons to own the Mets until the end of time. BUT, as per the job here today, we’re going with mega star, Denzel Washington. He’s big Cowboys fan along with his son David, who played an enigmatic wide receiver in “Ballers” on HBO. That’s the show in which Dwayne Johnson plays a retired NFL star who becomes Cam James‘ KC Chiefs owner. This works on all levels, as The Rock can run the team, since he has had the aforementioned experience. (Blurring lines between truth and make-believe is what we do here!) What’s even better is that Yankee fans that like the Giants/hate the Cowboys have to suffer watching Denzel wear his black Yankees hat on the Cowboys’ sidelines. How great is that?!
And there you have it. Now virtually go out and enjoy the sunshine. And come back tomorrow for Cheesy Bruin, who loves the Cowboys, yet hates the Stanks... “I’ll take Sports Conundrums for $300, Alex.”
P.s… We’re not mentioning Tom Brady here today.