HOLLYWOOD, CA – Between the NBA All-Star break, NHL COVID breaks, Spring Training, and the lead-up to whatever the hell March Madness is gonna look like, the world of sports is kinda stumbling around like a new-born colt or Short Matt trying to move a love seat to the UWS. But the good news is, out here in Tinseltown, they are churning out a whole new crop of compelling sports-themed movies. Here’s a sneak peek.
Nochanceland. This quietly compelling film follows the New York Jets, Pittsburgh Pirates, Baltimore Orioles, Ottawa Senators, assorted Meet The Matts contributors, and other disenfranchised franchises and individuals as they hit the road to find some meaning to their lives, the secret to a new beginning, and maybe a pot to piss in. Special cameo by Adam Gase as “The Port-o-John Whisperer.”
Hot Dog the Movie 2: Garmisch Goes Gaga. The long-awaited sequel to the greatest skiing movie ever made, is finally here. Adam Driver stars as Rudi Garmisch Jr., Lady Gaga is Sylvia’s skanky niece Heather, and David Naughton reprises his role as Dan O’Callahan, in a movie that’s been decades in the making. Be sure to stick around for the “Sushi Slalom.”
Bull Purim. I gotta be honest, this one just popped into my mind and I’ve had plenty of sophomoric plot ideas involving characters like Stosh David, Minnie Shagoy, and Nebby Alvin LaSchumtz, but I’m not going there. That said, I want to see this movie! Someone please send word to Sam’s-a-Fan to help co-write. I can’t do this without him!
Slipshod. The Buffalo Sabres toil in relative obscurity (as always) until unwitting replacement Zamboni driver Junoir Blaber runs over their awful goalie and turns him into a half-Canadian/half-machine hybrid-force known as Robostop. Hilarity ensues and they still don’t make the playoffs, but it’s Buffalo, so everyone is thrilled to pieces.
Dorf Wins More Majors than Jack and Tiger. This one hasn’t been green-lighted yet, because of all the CGI involved. Trust us, it’s funnier than all the Ernest movies combined.
Air Buddy. Knicks superfan Buddy Diaz is determined to take New York to an NBA championship, but his free throw bricks are leaving his teammates no room to breathe. Co-starring Trevor Herrick as Thom Thibodeau and some drunk rugger as James Dolan.
Come back tomorrow for the star of Air Buddy, the one and only Buddy Diaz!