Angry Ward Wednesday: Urban Meyer’s a Wiener, The Mets Need Help, and Kyrie Can’t Practice

BEN-WHITNEY, Meet-The-Matts, Yankees, Urban Meyer, Wild Card, Tim Tebow, Giants, Red Sox, Kyrie Irving, Luis Rojas
"Say it taint so, Urbs!" Tebow and Yankees fan can't take more bad news!

BRONX, NY – I’m writing this a good 3 hours before Tuesday night’s Yankees/Red Sox Wild Card blecch-tacular, so spare me your “Where’s the coverage on last night’s game?” complaints. (Thankfully, the Yanks lost). Look, if you’re not a fan of either team, watching a New York/Boston 4+ hour tilt is strictly for baseball masochists. I’m already a Vikings fan, and a writer for this site, so I’m pretty full-up on pain and humiliation. But, you know what? There’s plenty of other painful and humiliating things we can talk about. Let’s have at it.

Urban Legend. It’s bad enough being head coach of the Jacksonville Jaguars—and spending a whole lot of time in Jacksonville, Florida, for that matter—but Urban Meyer really found a way to put a cherry on top of his personal sh!t sundae. Getting videotaped in your own bar/restaurant receiving some sort of ill-conceived pseudo lap dance and then playing grab-ass like a proctology school dropout, has almost certainly put Coach Meyer on the fast track back to early retirement. If it wasn’t so clumsy and embarrassing, in the broadest most stereotypical midlife crisis kinda way possible, it’s actually unforgivably stupid. For the millionth time, people, everything gets recorded! How can you coach a team (which you blew off to spend a night out in Columbus, Ohio) if you can’t get the X’s and O’s straight in your own life?

Luis Rojas Hits the Road. I finally learned the name of the Mets’ skipper and now he’s gone. Luis Rojas didn’t seem like a bad guy, but he was a bad manager. For the Mets, having a “Help Wanted” sign out is as common as Short Matt having a New York City Marshal’s notice on his door. (That Tall Matt joke never gets old.) They change hapless managers and pervy GMs as often as I swap out my pathetic collection of Dad-issue cargo shorts. To that end, apparently the head brainiac of JG Clancy’s lousy Oakland A’s, Billy Beane, says he “wouldn’t even know” if the Mets have reached out to interview him. That ridiculous response alone should put him squarely in the lead for President of Baseball Operations of this Flushing Funhouse. Hell, why not bring even more A’s east? Maybe Jose Canseco wants to manage.

Josh Gordon’s In, Kyrie Irving’s Out. It’s good to see wide receiver Josh Gordon get like his seventh “second chance” in the NFL. Gordon will be on the field for the Chiefs when they take on the Bills Sunday night and will score a touchdown. Seriously, I’m rooting for him. Meanwhile, Flat Earth enthusiast Kyrie Irving continues to take a mental hiatus from science and can’t practice with his team, the Brooklyn Nets. I’m fine with this too. Kyrie should stick to his principles and live his life. Forfeiting $300+k a game is chump change to this renaissance man. Let it no longer be said about him, “he never saw a shot he wouldn’t take.” Or was that pre-point-guard James Harden?

All right, I’m gonna take a shot at winding this thing up right here. Come back tomorrow for The Buddy Diaz Experience and probably some baseball talk.

Share Button
About Angry Ward 612 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.