BRONX, NY – As we head down the summer homestretch, and the Mets continue to take it lying down (and in every other position) like a resigned/disinterested lover (The New York Melanias?), I turn my considerable vitriol towards that festering sack of hippo sh!t known as the New York Jets. Before we get into it, I’d like to point out that Deadspin’s Drew Magary recently wrote a comprehensive smackdown of this feckchise in his annual “Why Your Team Sucks” reviews of all 32 NFL teams. Unlike the NY Post, I like to give credit where credit is due. Anyway, let’s get right to the autopsy.
The Worst Team Ever? Don’t laugh, the 2017 NY Jets could be the worst team ever assembled in the modern era. Sure, there have been accidentally god-awful teams like the expansion Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the New Orleans Ain’ts of the 1970s-80s, but this year’s Jets aren’t just tanking, they aren’t showing up at all. Their “Quarterbacks,” Josh McCown, Christian Hackenberg, and Bryce Petty are so bad that if Geno Smith were still with the team, he’d be the clear starter. If you’re the Jets’ third-string QB you should be strongly considering a career in something more promising, like Trump Press Secretary or James Bond Villain Henchman #5. The team also cut Brandon Marshall and Eric Decker, and household name Quincy Enunwa is out of the season, so there are basically no receivers for the laughably-bad QB to throw to. Not to worry, ancient Matt Forte and Bilal Powell are there to get their teeth kicked in by eight-man fronts bent on literally crippling the Jets running game. On defense there’s Muhammad Wilkerson, aaaand that’s about it. At least they have kicker Chandler Catanzaro, who missed 7 out of 28 field goal attempts and blew 4 extra points in the rough conditions of Arizona last year.
NFL Death Penalty. So Jets ownership and front office blatantly divested themselves of pretty much all of their capable players in an effort to, we guess, secure the #1 overall pick in the 2018 Draft? Either that, or they are huge fans of the movie Major League and wanted to see if it would still be as funny using a football team. Whatever the case, jackass owner Woody Johnson and Co. should not be allowed to have a team anymore. Better yet, the NFL should just get rid of the Jets altogether. What good are they? They’ve been crap television since I was a kid. Their history of coaches (Coslet, Kotite, Mangenius, etc.) looks like an IMDB page for leading men in Lifetime Television’s “Battered Men” movies. Their all-time most recognizable star is, arguably, the worst player in the Hall of Fame. Current HC, Todd Bowles, is really starting to resemble the unfortunate black astronaut in a B Space Alien movie: “There’s some sort of disturbance in Quadrant C, Jenkins. Better check it out.” And the fans (more on them in a minute)? For them, this would be a mercy killing. Seriously, even for Jersey, the Jets stink.
What About the Fans? I could easily spend several columns beating the crap out of Jets fans, but why bother? They are a sad, vacant, pee-stained lot. I feel kinda sorry for them… and I’m a Vikings fan, fer crissakes. I firmly believe that Jets fans should all get their money back, receive new identities, and get a chance at some sort of do-over life… except for Fireman Ed, whose crimes against humanity are too numerous to overlook. Anyway, those fans who DO choose to pay for tickets and go out to see the Jets play this year should all be immediately arrested for DUI. I’m sorry, but there is no way you are going to those games to do anything but get absolutely sh!tfaced, and you need to go to jail before you hurt someone, even if that someone is another miserably-drunk Jets fan.
So that’s it. The New York Jets are a colossal vomit orgy and need to be disappeared off the planet post haste. Please come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who likes the Philadelphia Eagles, and needs help of his own.