August 8, 2018
Dear Jerry Jones:
It has come to our attention that you are still the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, one of the most reviled franchises in the history of professional sports. Good for you… for still being alive!
We can remember all those years ago when you took control of the only team stupid enough to refer to itself as “America’s Team.” They were struggling then, but you managed to partner up with a fat-headed coach with a big shock of lacquered hair, draft a walking-concussion-protocol QB named Aikman, and Cosby-rape the Vikings using a Herschel Walker blow-up doll and a roofied-up GM named Mike Lynn. It was a perfect storm of a whole bunch of sh!tty things somehow working out for the city of Dallas. Nothing new there. You won 3 Super Bowls, including one with Barry Switzer as your head coach, which pretty much foretold the coming of the Trump presidency. Your team, while morally bankrupt, is now the most valuable in all of professional sports. So, you ask, “why the letter?”
Mr. Jones, you’re a walking advertisement for just about everything that’s wrong with this country. A piece of human garbage floating above Dallas/Ft. Worth, yet casting its sh!tty shadow far and wide. A toothy, face-lifted, walking-oil-spill-of-a-man who lies when convenient (which is often), takes the moral high ground when it suits your needs, and abandons it just as quickly when it doesn’t. To paraphrase Frank Costanza, you’re the kinda guy that other guys describe thusly: “This guy, this is not my kinda guy.”
You’d assemble a team of nothing but drug abusers, wife-beaters, and potential murderers, if you thought it would help you win a Super Bowl. Hell, you HAVE! Yet, when it comes to a handful of thoughtful players who would like to exercise their American right to protest social injustice, it is somehow there that you draw the line on unacceptable behavior. The word “hypocrite” is not near strong enough to to describe your duplicitous douchebaggery. Like so many other phonies, you wrap yourself in the American flag without even a modest understanding of what it actually represents. So, you and your fellow owners cave to Trump and institute an a**backwards National Anthem policy, and then you take it one step further and declare that YOUR players are required to stand for it. And still, even then, the President trolls NFL owners, franchises and players because it’s one of the few things that moves the needle with his braindead base, and he himself is not smart enough to think of anything else.
Anyway, good luck with this stand of yours. I’m sure it will work out just great for you. It’s not often that I find myself agreeing with Dez Bryant, but when he recently called you “clueless,” I thought that was a good jumping on point. “Shortsighted,” “Greedy,” “Self-Indulgent,” and downright “Sh!tty” could easily be added to the long list of negative adjectives.
Good luck in this upcoming season. I sincerely hope the Cowboys lose a sh!t ton of games and that your players still protest and that your buddy Chris Christie breaks all the sh!tters in your luxury suite.
Warmest personal regards,
Please feel free to comment below and come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, whose Yankees are making him think about his Knicks.