NEW YORK, NY – Marvel Comics mastermind Stan Lee died a couple of days ago at the ripe old age of 95. A good run, by anyone’s standards. He leaves behind a loyal legion of fans and a litany of comic book characters that will live on forever. Though I was never a big comics guy, unlike Mike Francesa, I was certainly very aware of the man and his work. So, as a small tribute to Mr. Lee, here’s a list of Made-up Modern-Day Sports Superheroes and Villains:
Shitstorm! Known to most as merely an imbecilic baseball owner and horrible businessman, Fred Wilpon harbors a dark secret about his special power. Everything he touches turns to shit. Along with his faithful moron son, Dynoturd, they keep Gothamites safe from feeling too good about themselves.
The Golden Shower. Monday Night Football sideline reporter Booger McFarland can urinate anywhere, anytime with the force of fire hydrant.
Sex-Men. Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry, Phil Rivers and Antonio Cromartie leave no ovary unturned in their unending quest to overpopulate the planet.
Goalcrusher. New York Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist is invulnerable to winning Stanley Cups.
Super Dupe. Scott Boras has x-ray vision for suckers, and he uses it to get them to wildly overpay for his mediocre clients.
The Vacuum. Terrorizing teams across the NBA, Carmelo Anthony has the supernatural ability to suck the very life out of an organization.
Intercepto. C’mon, you knew I had to shoehorn a Nathan Peterman joke in here somewhere.
Mr. Unlistenable. Sinister New York Yankees broadcaster John Sterling has the capacity to make car drivers bleed from their ears while his nefarious sidekick, Suzyn “The Mynah Bird” Waldman, finishes them off with her high-pitched squawk.
Okay, I’m done for today. But please feel free to add your own. So many worthy candidates out there. But how many times can you make fun of Jerry Jones?
Be sure to come back tomorrow for our very own superhero, Captain Shirk, aka DJ Eberle.