Ambivalent Ward Thursday: Everything Must Go!

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NEW YORK, NY – Shocker! Another no-show on MTM today and I’m filling in. This is getting older than the hot dog buns in Matt McCarthy’s freezer. Like Kramer trying to revive the old Merv Griffin Show, I think we need to retool. Here’s the plan.

Banish DJ Eberle to Sunday. The kid barely shows up to “work” anymore. Sunday is a dead day and he can talk about Fantasy Football all he wants. It makes sense, so you just know that Management will never do it.

Move Cheesy Bruin to Thursday. Let the Cheeseman keep doing his picks till the end of the NFL season, but force him to drop his one favorite, one underdog, one over, and one under formula. It’s killing him. I know the guy to be a gambling savant. He needs to just bet on games he cares about. After NFL is over he can write about bass fishing and his sweaty Adrienne Barbeau fantasies.

Bring Back West Coast Craig. I don’t care what it costs.

West Coast Craig

The guy is entertaining and offers much-needed perspective from Los Angeles. This site is way too Northeast heavy. If he can only do every other week, bring back edgy Cam James, so we have Mountain time zone covered as well.

Recruit More Female Writers. This one won’t be easy. Management is like chick repellent. We had some good female scribes come through here, but they all went rightfully running for the hills. Women always wise up before the men do.

Fire Angry Ward. He’s suffered long enough. He also ran out of interesting things to say around five years ago. He’d be much better as a wisecracking commenter and occasional pinch hitter.

Give Junoir Blaber a Permanent Weekday Slot. He’s earned it. And you can take that to mean whatever you like.

Build the Team Around Ben Whitney. He’s been the star of the show for a while now. He needs some protection in the lineup besides Buddy Diaz, who you also better keep happy. Give Ben’s Dog, Chief, a column if you need to. How bad can it be?

Dave_Matthews, Meet_The_Matts, Angry_Ward, DJ_Eberle

DJ Eberle missed turn on the hill because he saw these guys last night. Jesus H. Christ

Create a Sidebar Column Titled Called “Breaking!” Where genius commenters like Dude can just throw in the occasional rant whenever the mood strikes. This will keep things more current while not upsetting the comment flow of a main column.

Okay, I’m sure all of these ideas suck. But, once again, I abhor an empty space where a post oughta be.

Come back tomorrow for Me again, probably. Or Short Matt, who is apparently sick… again.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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