BRONX, NY – It’s the holiday season. So whoop-de-doo and hickory dock, and don’t forget to hang up your sock… as Andy Williams warbled in one of the worst Christmas songs ever. Anyway, there’s plenty going on and I’m seeing lots of frozen vomit on the sidewalks, which means that Office Christmas Party season is also in full swing. The good news is, I once again successfully avoided going anywhere near SantaCon. The bad news is, we have a President who doesn’t even know how to flip a coin. Here’s my Soon-To-Be-Annual Holiday Sports Wish List.
1. Kill Thursday Night Football. I don’t feel I need to explain this. Just do away with it, post haste.
2. Make Matt Harvey a Yankee. Forget all the Syndergaard trade talk and let the Yankees land the most-Yankee player possible, Matt Harvey. Mets reclamation projects (Strawberry, Gooden, etc.) were a George Steinbrenner staple. Think of it as an homage to the miserable old man.
3. Fire the Minnesota Vikings’ Offensive Coordinator. DONE! This happened Tuesday. Look I don’t love the idea of people losing their jobs before the holidays, and I certainly don’t think all of the Vikings offensive woes were John DeFilippo’s fault (*cough* Cousins *cough*), but the guy had to go. This team has been playing like it couldn’t score in Billy Crystal’s Whore Emporium™.
4. Make DJ Eberle More Reliable. What’s with these Millennials? They’ve got no work ethic. Except when it comes to dishing out snark and eating a$$, then they all turn into a bunch of Andrew Carnegies.
5. Put Pete Rose in the Hall of Fame. Ha! Just kidding. F**k that a-hole.
But, instead, put Dave Parker in. That guy was awesome. And now that you let good-yet-milquetoasty Harold Baines in, you must make things right by inducting “The Cobra,” baseball’s ultimate 1970s bada$$.
6. MTM Holiday Party? Is it too much to request maybe doing something after Christmas, when everyone could really use a get-together? I would also suggest to Management, that I highly doubt enough people would show for it to cost all that much. Even yours truly has seen his hall-of-fame-worthy bourbon intake numbers drop considerably in recent years. Whaddaya say?
7. Peace on Earth. I know this ain’t happening but, as Mom used to say, it doesn’t hurt to ask. Barring that, wishing everyone a peaceful holiday season, maybe with some unintentional comedy thrown in like, I don’t know, Randy Levine becoming Trump’s next Chief of Staff. Bwahahaha.
Okay, I don’t want to get greedy, so I’ll stop here. Come back tomorrow for something, though I have no idea what. DJ Eberle’s availability is contingent on what Boy Bands are playing in his area.