EDMONTON, ALBERTA – Sure, one could argue that choosing a hot NHL team five minutes into their season over an epic MLB playoffs tilt as the lead story is a bit bizarre but hey, #BizarreSells. 
Following that formula, here are today’s topics: Slick Oilers, Super Bowl Sam Darnold, Joe Girardi.
SLICK OILERS – Don’t tell Cheesy Bruin, Different Matt or Ben Whitney that 5 games into the season does not a Stanley Cup champion make! To that end, the Edmonton Oilers are perfect out of the barn, at 5-0. That includes a near impossible 3-0 on the road. Why is that near impossible, you ask? Because our fallacious research reveals that each one of the road wins was the opponent’s opening night! That’s incredible. That’s like the Mets winning their first three road games on the road in one-off match-ups for home openers for the Braves, Nationals and Phillies. Any team, regardless of sport. (“irregardless” if you are Junoir Blaber or Replacement Matt). If this team can win on the road, they are automatically odds-on faves to win #TheLordStan. If you’ve ever been to Edmonton in the winter, you’ll know going in there and surviving is hard enough, trying to adapt and win a hockey game is as unlikely as the NY Jets winning the…
SUPER BOWL SAM DARNOLD – The J-E-T-S won a football game yesterday. Never mind that America’s Team, also known in some parts as the Dallas Cowboys, are as banged-up as Angry Ward after a Minnesota Vikings OT loss to the Washington Redskins, after being up by 30 points… on New Year’s Day. That’s banged-up. Yet at 1-4, Gangrene, according to the [apparently/allegedly] high local sports outlets, are now, once and for all, on the path to greatness. They are being led on this conquering march by a 2nd year QB with the immune system of a 98-yearold, Super Bowl Sam Darnold. See, he missed most of the season with the sniffles. But he’s back… along with Fireman Ed, which has us taking our blue suits out of the hope chest. Ever smell moth balls, by the way? [Insert joke re prying their little legs open, here]. Did I mention that Cowboys came roaring back using 3rd-stringers from a 21-3 deficit to send all home with soiled shorts after the near collapse? Get off the plane, Jets fans, it’s going to crash.
JOE GIRARDI – Also in the headlines is the game Aaron Boone reportedly booted by botching the use of his ballyhooed bullpen. Thank you, Lord. But here’s the thing: Aaron Boone, large sniffer holes and all (we’re looking at you butch gorings nostrils), is not ad libbing the show; he’s reading a script. A potted plant could manage the Yankee way. When the Yankee War Machine goes off track, that’s the only time this post-season will be remotely interesting. That happened last night and the Stanks lost. Again, thank you, Lord. BUT… What if Joe Girardi managed this one? Three things are for certain: A) Joey G would never have pulled Paxton that early and B) He would have had more than J.A. Happ left in this utility belt.. C) The Stankees would be up 2-0 on A.J. Hinch & Co. [Segue to Mets] Oh, and this talk of the Mets hiring the next Hinch has this pundit vomiting in his mouth. The guy has one of the best rosters in Major League history; think Joe Torre – the most overrated manager ever. Anyone other than Joe Girardi is just another exercise in ego for Jeff Wilpon, who thinks he knows baseball. I’ll end with the Tweet below.
Please feel free to weigh in below on any sports subject and come back tomorrow Carlos Beltran’s Managerial Campaign Manager, Ben Whitney.
P.s… Hawaii officials blame online dating for sudden rise in STDs.
