Angry Ward Wednesday: Mets Pest, Football Feeds, and Other Things I’ll Be Missing


STILL IN FLORIDA – So much news to report. Let’s get to it! For those of you who don’t know, Publix is a huge Supermarket chain mostly in Florida, but in the South in general. It’s clean, the employees are ridiculously personable, and you can drive a Semi down the frozen food aisle while maintaining social distance. You can also drop a hundred bucks there without buying much more than some orange juice, a pound of Boar’s Head Honey Maple Turkey, a six pack of beer, and a six pack of toilet paper. Still, I may miss it when I stop wastin’ away again in Ron DeSantisville and hightail it back home.

I’m starting to think about other things I might be missing as these next days, weeks, and months roll on.

Meet The Pest. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’d like nothing more right now than to go to a New York Mets game with Short Matt, have a couple of beers, and watch him harass everyone in attendance into nausea. I’ll be happy when that can happen again.

Bleach Blanket Bingo. UV rays aplenty and funneling Formula 409 won’t be enough to save the summer beach and pool season… at least in states that care about sunburned corpses washing ashore. “Who’s up for some Bloaty Boarding?” I’ll miss the summer swimming for sure, but getting as much of it out of my system as I can while down here. Not at the beach, mind you, but my in-laws’ pool.

Meet_The_Matts, Angry_Ward, Ward Calhoun, NHL_Playoffs, Mets

The beaches are open!

Are You Ready for Some Football… Well… Are You? Count me among those who are very skeptical about the four major sports getting back on track anytime soon. Sure, NASCAR and golf can resume activities in their Terrordome environs but, as MTM’s Dude will tell you, those aren’t really sports. I want to make myself believe that, come October, I’ll be at my friend Dennis’ house with Cheesy Bruin watching NFL RedZone and stuffing our faces with Italian food from Frankie & Johnnie’s Pine Tavern in the Bronx. It’s a long shot at best, but you gotta hope for something.

NHL Playoffs. I currently don’t have a dog in this fight, but you don’t need that in the NHL playoffs. The games, series, and especially the overtimes are must-see TV. Guessing the NHL will figure out a way to get this done but, if they don’t finish the season, it will feel diminished. And with no crowds for the playoff games, it won’t be genuine.

Beer and BBQ. These things just don’t work well indoors, if you ask me. If you could guarantee me a safe outdoor BBQ somewhere, I’d gladly drink Piels or Schaefer or whatever other cheap beer you want to throw my way. I’d even choke down subpar Q. I always thought Brother Jimmy’s was fairly mediocre, what else can you throw at me?

OK, I’m clearly grasping at another food and drink argument like last week. I gotta knock this off. Come back tomorrow for Brother Buddy Diaz, who will be rating the Superhunks of the 1980s.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, "Don't have a enough short, white angry guys but I don't dislike them... that much." A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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