NEW YORK, NY – So far the Memorial Day Weekend is off to a sluggish, damp start here in NYC. For our local fans, that could mean sitting in a beach-side parking lot waiting/hoping for the weather to lift. You’re out there now because NY beaches will only allow 50% capacity. It also means you’re nuts because you have to wear a mask on the beach and swimming is banned, as there are no lifeguards. Beach Police – not glorified lifeguards like Hasselhoff or The Rock, will be enforcing these rules. How fun! But while you sit in your car cursing your dopey decision, or more wisely read from your home, here’s today’s menu for you to digest: NY Jets QB Controversy, Trout Hooks A Sucker, End Of Baseball.
NY Jets QB Controversy
Oh. No. They. Didn’t. Sorry, J-E-T-S fans… they did. The “they” is Management and the creation of a QB controversy is the “what they did.” Ladies and germs, please welcome Joseph Vincent Flacco to the Garden State. We now have something to talk about, sports fans! Let’s get the ball ready on the tee by saying Sam Richard Darnold cannot be happy. No doubt, both Sam and Joe will say the right things in public and even in the locker-room. But THE MINUTE Darnold doesn’t execute, the sports airwaves will be filled with: “Flacco can help us win now” and “Let the kid sit under the Super Bowl winner for a year,” comments from Fran From Long Beach on the car phone. Junoir Blaber, our resident Gang Greenologist, is spinning like a top, ironically in Bills country.
Trout Hooks A Sucker
See what we did there? The fish joke reversal thingy… Anyway, so much for everyone getting hit by the GEPM (Global Economic Pandemic Meltdown TM). Big bucks are being thrown away in many of us can’t imagine under normal circumstances, let alone now – when people are lining up for food bags of potatoes, rice, beef jerky and Spam. Somebody that is likely destined for Hades just reeled in a Mike Trout baseball card for $922,500.00. While things like this tend to make me want to punch myself in the face repeatedly (no, you can’t do it for me) because they underscore my catastrophic financial blunders, this one sticks in the craw for two reasons: A) They had to do this now? C’mon. The only thing missing was Eric Trump calling in live from a white rhino safari to congratulate the winner. Decorum is not just about manners here, folks, it’s really needed. B) Our research indicates that no money is coming off the top for some pandemic charity or first-responder fund. Boy, talk about missing a chance to do something. Nobody said, “Hey, let’s all agree that 2% of the total selling price will go to [Pandemic XYZ], so we offset Eric calling in and don’t look like complete douchebags.” Mel Brooks was more in touch with the people.
End Of Baseball
At least we’ll have a chance to say goodbye. The hope is that it will be like saying goodbye to Brett Favre or Michael Jordan. Roger Clemens, even. But it will eventually be goodbye, according to USA Today, from whom we got this unfortunate bit of news. The game of baseball in its pure form – National League baseball – will be ripped from us, along with all its is statistical charm, temporarily this year and permanently in 2022. How? Ben Whitney’s Universal DH will be forced down our throats, that’s how. And that is disgusting. We’ll explore this polarizing topic in more depth at a later date… right now the wound is too fresh!
That’s it! Can’t wait to see your face mask tan-lines and comments below. And come back for the Toughest Guy You’ll Ever Meet, Cheesy Bruin, tomorrow.