BRONX, NY – Well, as of 9:30 am EST yesterday, it’s officially autumn. This season is one of the main reasons palookas like me live here in the Northeast. It’s the time of year that everything just seems so damn cozy—temperatures, clothes, your bed, even tucking yourself into a book. I’ll also be sure enjoy the occasional cigar over the next few glorious months. Though this fall does come with its share of problems and worries, I’m gonna do my damnedest to count my blessings and enjoy the crisp days and cool nights. And do you know why? Because sports absolutely suck for me right now.
NFL. Dear readers, I will not waste your time talking about my Minnesota Vikings. Let’s just say that they have fallen and they can’t get up. Check out this fine pass protection by one Dru Samia (73).
— ROBERT MATHIS The1st (@RobertMathis98) September 21, 2020
Kirk Cousins stinks when he gets good protection, so it should be nothing but exploding stoves, high gruesomes, and football follies lowlight reel stuff from this point on. As for the Giants and Jets? Their seasons are pretty much over too. Saquon Barkley tore his ACL, which strangely may have saved him from opposing defenses tearing him limb from limb over the next 14 games. And, if it weren’t for Adam Gase, the Jets wouldn’t even be interesting enough to laugh at. Yep, this season will be spent mostly hoping for the Cowboys to lose many games (thanks for ruining what could’ve been a splendid Sunday, Falcons) and finding other ways to keep a rooting interest (*see: gambling*).
NBA. I’d really be into a Nuggets/Heat Final in the NBA, which is why we will almost certainly get Celtics/Lakers. Hope I’m wrong. By the time this thing publishes, Denver will either be in a 3-0 hole or back in it at 2-1. *Update: They Won!” In any event, I don’t really have a horse in this race either.
NHL. I’m done watching. Tampa Bay and Dallas? Really, hockey?
MLB. As Seymour Skinner said as he approached Ralph Wiggum’s diorama, “Ooo, now were into the dregs.” The Yankees are in the playoffs and the Mets are out, so, nothing new there. God help us, the Twins are also back in for their annual participation trophy and famous death scene at the hands of the Yankees. Clancy’s Athletics will probably do likewise. But, the Marlins are in? At least that’s what it looks like right now. You need no other evidence that this season is a joke than the Marlins getting in the playoffs. As many have joked, they were the only team fully prepared for playing in front of no fans. The transition was seamless. Even when they all got COVID, it was like a tree falling in the woods, or some such sh!t. What the hell do I do with these playoffs? Go Padres!… I guess?
So, there you have it. I’m in sports purgatory but seasonal nirvana. Can’t wait to look at some leaves and eat two dozen apple cider donuts.
Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, whose Eagles also suck this year.