DEEP, DEEP STATE, USA – Super Bowl hype week is in full swing, but who gives a sh!t? There are WAY bigger things going on than finding out how many pounds of potatoes Andy Reid eats in a year or listening to Rob Gronkowski laundry-list all the STDs he’s ever had. For this week only, we invite you inside of the deeply sinister world of QAnon’s Sports Department. Hang onto your hernia belts people, you’re about to get what’s left of your minds blown.
Tom Brady Died in 2014. It’s true. Brady died in a freak diving accident just before training camp started, prior to the 2014 season. Everything you’ve seen since, including the miraculous comeback against the Falcons in SB LI, has been a carefully crafted hi-def hologram. This absolutely explains why Tom seems even more boring than ever. But he’s not the only Super Bowl QB with a secret.
Patrick Mahomes is an Illegal Alien. The NFL’s most incredible talent isn’t from this country… he’s not even from this planet! He’s from a place called Playtex-7 in the uncharted Superbola Galaxy. He’s got four extra arms and two additional legs, all invisible. We’ll shield you from the shocking details of his “man parts” in order to save you from 10 lifetime’s worth of feelings of extreme inadequacy. It’s absolutely criminal that he’s allowed to play professional football.
New York Mets Players are Harvested for Their Organs. All of the freak injuries and disappearing acts (Did anyone EVER even see Jed Lowrie?) are an elaborate hoax. The Mets have no farm system because it is LITERALLY a farm system. The super-rich are staying young forever injecting spinal fluid and Matt Harvey hemoglobin.
Kyrie Irving is NOT an A$$hole! This one is so crazy it defies explanation. You’re just going to have to trust us. He’s an absolute sweetheart and one hell of a teammate.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg is Alive and Playing for the New Zealand All Blacks. She’s absolutely ripped and playing under the name Ginzo Bada-Bada.
Robert Kraft is an Iranian TV Megastar. Though it never saw the light of day in the US, Kraft’s Orchid of Asia massage parlor tape was purchased by Iranian National TV, chopped up into episodes, and is now the highest-rated show in Iran. Fans are dying to know how it’s going to end.
Cam James is Actually Hunter S. Thompson. Always check the body, folks. Colorado’s most-celebrated sports contrarian is really HST. These days the Good Doctor takes great joy in bogging down internet sports schlubs with annoying statistics and pandemic hot takes. He’s currently working on a book entitled Blog Wild: Twisted Tales from the Failure Zone.
Gotta cut it short here. I’m being tracked. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, whose New York Knicks are actually an All-Israeli all-star team coached by a guy named Shmuel.