BRONX, NY – If there’s one thing we’ve learned during the last four to five years, and through this f**king pandemic, is that this country of ours is fairly fractured and more than a little f’d up. It’s way too late to put the internet/social media genie back in the bottle, and boy how I’d love to. For starters, it would get me out of THIS “gig.” But, I digress. It’s too late to reverse many of the poor decisions we’ve made, but it’s not too late to give some of those states without even a single pro sports team, at least one big league team to root for.
I’m not joking. I think having no sports (outside of college and HS), makes people a little squirrelly. If they were going to games they’d be less-concerned with someone coming for their guns. Let’s see what we can come up with. I mean, I’m not talking EVERY state, because f**k West Virginia. Let’s do this.
The Kentucky Sh!tty Senators. Give Kentucky a baseball team, dagnabbit! It’s friggin’ home of the Louisville Slugger! This name will bring Senators back to baseball (as it should be) while also paying backhanded tribute to Mitch McConnell and Rand Paul, the Churchill Downs Daily Double of douchebag Sens.
The Dakota Deniers. People in North and South Dakota don’t want anyone telling them anything, even if it makes perfect sense. They don’t each get a pro club, but they do need a hockey team, stat! They GET hockey in that region, and maybe they’ll get a good goalie who will lend some gravitas to that nickname.
The Arkansas Aristocrats. I haven’t even thought of what sport this should be yet, and already I want the team t-shirt. Arkansas paired with Aristocrats is cheeky. Now that I think about it, I see this as an NBA team. They have to have a supercool 1970’s-style logo and maybe a Fritz the Cat type pimped-out mascot name Louis Littlerock III.
The Oxford Oil Cans. I was going back and forth on Mississippi, but I decided to award it a baseball team… just so long as it’s named after one of my favorite players, and Meridian, Mississippi native, Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd. As far as I’m concerned, he should be granted ownership as well. MLB and Mississippi need more Oil Can Boyds.
The Vermont Maids. A WNBA team for the Green Mountain State, seems just about its speed. I like the nickname/pancake syrup synergy, as well. Bernie Sanders would be a natural as their Jack Nicholsonesque Superfan.
The Hartford Whalers. This is a no-brainer. While we’re at it, Burger King should bring back the Whaler, and the Yumbo too.
The Alaska Frostbiters. The 49th state gets a football team. One stipulation, they must play outdoors. The ultimate home field advantage, if they can rally their players out of their constant state of seasonal affective disorder.
The Nebraska Plains. The most boring sports team ever assembled. It doesn’t even matter what sport. Just populate it with a bunch of nondescript white guys and suit them up in a uniform that resembles a no-frills can of mixed vegetables. Actually, the Nebraska Plains could be the perfect new opponent for the Harlem Globetrotters. Done!
And I’m done too. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, future General Manager of the Albuquerque Spellchecks.