Angry Ward: Paul O’Neill, Detroit Lions, David Wright and Other Sports Stuff

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BRONX, NY – Last week I did what I could to convince you all to stop watching sports. But we all know, that is a losing battle. At its absolute best (which isn’t all that often, these days) sports elevates us above the human condition, and maybe even wins us some money. When it’s mediocre and mundane, and we’re just watching out of habit, sports can be mentally debilitating. At it’s worst, sports is a violent, remorseless, money-sucking meat grinder that treats both athletes and fans as nothing more than game pieces for billionaires. That’s why it’s important to take a moment every now and again and pay attention to the little things. To wit…

Yankee announcer Paul O’Neill loves Donald Trump. Sorry, or, depending on your leanings as a human being on planet Earth, congratulations? These two blustery a-holes have a “full stinger” for each other. Johnny Damon slurps Orange Don too, but we’ll leave that preening rag-armed boy-band reject out of this.

The Detroit Lions are the only team in the NFC to have never gone to the Super Bowl. This kinda surprised me. I mean, I wasn’t surprised that the Lions have never been to the SB, but that every other team in the NFC had. That sucks. I’ll be rooting extra hard for them on Thanksgiving this year. Oh, wait, they’re playing the Vikings. Never mind. Also, Matthew Stafford, who just signed one of the richest contracts in NFL history. has a record of 5-46 against teams with winning records. So, there’s that.

“I see dead baseball careers.”

David Wright is still trying to play baseball. There was a news item the other day that read: DAVID WRIGHT REHAB ASSIGNMENT SHUT DOWN OVER SHOULDER PAIN. Seriously? At this point David Wright is Bruce Willis in “The Sixth Sense.Haley Joel Osment… someone… ANYONE!… please tell him already.

Music at most sporting events, absolutely sucks. Who do these teams hire to pick the music for their games? It’s across-the-board awful. In fact, let’s not stop at the live events, the music for Sunday Night Football has been hilariously out of date for years. Just last Sunday they played “I Missed Again” by Phil Collins going into commercial after a kicker missed a field goal. Sweet Jesus! This sounds like the perfect job for our own Short Matt, who thinks that Chumbawamba and Barenaked Ladies are GREAT bands.

Bubble Hockey is the greatest arcade game ever. Believe me when I say this. Bubble Hockey is the absolute best. I have zero room in my 1100 square foot apartment for one, but I would gladly get rid of my couch for this game if my wife would let me. As is plainly evident, I have very few life goals, but owning a Bubble Hockey game is something I must one day achieve.

There are no great movies about tennis. I’m serious, can you think of one? If you were to write a fairly decent script for a tennis movie it might instantly become “the best tennis movie ever made.” Obviously, there’s a much better chance that every door in Hollywood will be slammed in your face with a “Sorry kid, tennis is box office poison.” But it’s worth a try.

Conor McGregor is no whiskey expert. After his loss to Mayweather, Conor McGregor marched into the post fight press conference drinking- and singing the praises of- his own brand of Irish Whiskey. I know he’s just shilling for his product, but no self-respecting drinker, Irish or not, would ever prance around in such a fashion. I’m sure what this guy knows about booze you could fit in a thimble and, most likely, his whiskey tastes like pickled egg brine.

All this straight shooting has got me thirsty. I’m outta here. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a guy who is most likely still a little nervous about the Yankees. And you can find us on Twitter at @Angry_Ward, @MeetTheMatts & @Matt_McCarthy00, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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Wednesday: Angry Ward, who has admirers at the NY Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but one exception… he’s flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, “Angry Ward’s ‘anger’ is a direct result of “Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan.” As if that weren’t enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way conservatives embrace Mitt Romney. While the Vikings tease him incessantly with flirtations of success, the Golden State Warriors, “Don’t have a enough short, white angry guys but I don’t dislike them… that much.” A-Dubya is MTM’s longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, The Franchise.

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