NEW YORK, NY – The Sunday NY Post is a must read. Sure The NY Times may have 23 Sunday sections but all of those sections combined cannot provide the entertainment that Steve Serby’s Q & A column does for Sunday Post readers. For those who don’t know Steve Serby, he is a hack sportswriter for the Post who changes his stance on local NY sports faster than you can say John Kerry. He trumpeted Brett Favre’s arrival to the Jets as their best move since drafting Joe Namath only to run him out of town as if he were Johnny “Lam” Jones four months later.
The most famous incident ever involving Serby was with former Jet QB Richard Todd. Todd got fed up with Serby’s antics and shoved him into a locker. Who can forget Serby’s exclusive interview with legendary Yankees Boss, George Steinbrenner, via spokesman Howard Rubenstein during last year’s playoffs. It is in that vein that I present his interview with Bud Selig from this past Sunday, if answered via spokesman Grote2DMax. All questions are directly from the Sunday interview:
This Bud’s For You
Q: Will the Madoffscandal impact the Mets?
A: Fred Wilpon has about as much sense with his money as Alan Iverson does. The Wilpons are better suited for menial tasks. I expect Freddie and Jeff to be slinging burgers behind the counter at Shake Shack by 2012. I say that with complete confidence.
Q: But were they damaged baseball-wise?
A: “Baseball” and “wise” are two words that never go together in relation to the Wilpons.
Q: The Yankees appear to be a monster again. Is that good or bad for baseball?
A: The Pope lets priests molest boys under his watch so why shouldn’t I let the Yanks molest small market teams?
Q: You knew how to handle George Steinbrenner.
A: Always did. These days I just slap a bib on him to keep him from drooling on the floor.
Q: Hal Steinbrenner?
A: Dear Leader to George’s Great Leader.
Q: Will Alex Rodriguez break Barry Bondsâ€™ all-time home run mark?
A: I just hope he does it before he comes out as a fortunate homosexual man like Ricky Martin.
Livin’ La Vida Loca
Q: If A-Rod breaks it, should there be an asterisk?
A: I just donâ€™t believe in asterisks. Theyâ€™re too complicated. (Actual answer)
Q: Do you feel bad that Derek Jeter, one of your all-time favorite players, has been stained by the Steroid Era?
A: Anyone who works in a cow pasture is going to get s#!t stains on them from time to time.
Q: Expanded instant replay?
A: Of course because Fox wants to extend playoff games until dawn.
Q: The quality of umpiring?
A: We pay them about as well as I pay my Honduran housekeeper.
Q: Can it be improved?
A: Not at these prices.
Q: Adding another wild-card team?
Q: The cancellation of the 1994 World Series?
A: Remember they canceled The Family Guy too but when it came back on the air it was better than ever.
Q: The traits that you feel have helped you in the job?
A: Being a used car salesman taught me everything I need to know about dealing with the baseball public.
Q: The 2002 All-Star game in Milwaukee that ended tied after 11 innings?
A: Those fans only paid for 9 innings. I thought that was rather nice of us to give them two extra innings for free.
Q: HGH testing?
A: Baseball is really a kids game and all the research we’ve done shows that kids just hate tests.
Q: The (controversial, accusatory) book written by Mark McGwireâ€™s brother Jay?
A: Jay McGwire used a hair dryer to extort money from Mademe Tussauds Wax Museum so nothing surprises me. He melted one of Dolly Parton’s boobs off before they paid him to stop. He’s a sick bastard.
Q: Pardoning Pete Rose?
A: Not until he kisses my ring on national TV.
Q: Why was Joe DiMaggio your boyhood idol?
A: I said “this guy is homelier than me and is banging Marilyn Monroe” so naturally I worshiped him.
Q: You wanted to play center field for the Yankees?
A: Now I’m just glad to be their lap dog.
Q: Hank Aaron was your favorite Milwaukee Brave?
A: Yes, but I still wouldn’t let his kind on my car lot.
Q: The â€™57 World Series, Braves over Yankees in 7?
A: That one was for Wisconsin Walt.
Q: And the next year, when the Braves lost to the Yankees?
A: I don’t have time to go over every world series from ’57 until today Steve, so lets just move on.
Q: Your late friend, Bart Giamatti?
A: You see what happens when you take on the owners, I don’t want to end up swimming with the fishes like he did.
Q: Three dinner guests?
A: PT Barnum, Vince McMahon, Don King
Q: Favorite movie?
A: Dead Presidents
Q: Favorite actor?
A: Raphael Palmeiro
Q: Favorite actress?
A: Rosie O’Donnell
Q: Favorite singer/entertainer?
A: G.G. Allin, people would pay money to come to his shows just to get human feces thrown on them. I modeled my career as Commissioner after his act. (GG Showed Bud How To Treat His Fans)
Q: Favorite meal?
A: A $10 hot dog on a stale bun from Yankee Stadium.
Q: Favorite NYC restaurant?
A: Olive Garden on 22nd and 6th.
Q: The Brewers are honoring you in August with your own statue.
A:. Made of 14 karat gold.
Q: Thatâ€™s quite an honor.
A: They’d be playing in Manitoba if they didn’t pay me the respect I’m due.
A: I’ve had a few. Like Brian McNamme.
Q: Your legacy?
A: My Subaru Legacy? You wanna buy it, I’ll give you a good price. Special offer today only.
Angry Ward, tomorrow.