BRONX, NY – Hasn’t sports been sucking lately? C’mon, you know it has. The NBA is nothing more than three or four teams and a bunch of can’t-hack-it, oversized scrubs. The Kansas City Royals are the friggin’ defending champs in baseball. The NHL doesn’t even merit a home page link on ESPN.com and this past Super Bowl was a snoozer, followed by celebrating a guy who stunk out the joint in the game. Don’t believe me? Well how about renowned deep thinker Donald Trump, who called the game “boring” and “terrible” while also saying that he “got a bad vibe” from the whole thing? Trump knows what’s wrong with this country and what’s wrong with sports. And here’s what he’s going to do to fix the latter. Listen up, you losers!
NHL. “It’s called the NATIONAL Hockey League, not the North American Hockey League. What the hell are we doing letting these French-Canadian mongoloids play in our league? I’m going to build a giant wall all the way across the Canadian border. So you can say ‘Au Revoir’ to Montreal, Toronto, and the rest of those craptastic Canucks. Who needs ’em? Our pimple-faced college kids kicked the holy borscht out of those Commie bastards in 1980. We’re the best at hockey! We don’t need the rest of the world.”
MLB. “This is simple, people. We can’t have our baseball World Champion be a team like the Kansas City Royals. It shows weakness. They don’t even hit home runs! It’s nothing but running and bunting. The minute I become President I will make sure that the Yankees become World Champs again. And they will stay world champs as long as I’m in the White House! They are as American as Superman and grilled cheese sandwiches. More good news, my ‘Hockey Wall’ will eliminate the Blue Jays and any chance of the Expos ever coming back. The Reds also have to go. We can’t have a baseball team that sounds pinko.”
NFL. “First things first, this Goodell schmuck is history. He has no idea how to run a multi-billion dollar business. I doubt he could even manage a McDonald’s. He’s also not a good guy. I’d have the Chinese take care of him. I’d also repeal concussion protocol. That’s namby-pamby Obama stuff. Football is about taking the other guy’s head off and spiking it to the turf. It’s called the ‘gridiron’ not ‘high tea with the Queen.’ Speaking of that old bag, there will never be an NFL team in London. Over my dead, impeccably-groomed body! I’d sooner invite Boy George to be my Secretary of Defense.”
NBA. “Let me make myself perfectly clear: Black sports matter! And, let’s face it, black people love basketball more than Red Lobster and armed robbery combined. So what’s with these white guys playing in the NBA? I say get ’em out! They don’t belong. They’re slowing down the game and most of them can’t even dunk. These guys are just plain lazy! They shouldn’t be playing for basketball teams, they should be owning them. Also, this Adam Silver guy has got to go. Too creepy. Big time creep factor. Looks like he’s from that bar in the Star Wars movie. Make Michael Jordan commissioner. Sure, he’ll bet on all the games, but I never get mad at gambling.”
Women’s Tennis & Golf. “If I learned anything from running the extremely popular Miss Universe pageant, it’s that people like sexy broads. And there are not near enough sexy broads in Women’s Tennis and Women’s Golf. Some, yes, but that’s the exception not the rule. If I want to turn on my TV and get turned off sexually, I’ll watch Hillary Clinton! These sports desperately need better looking women wearing a whole lot less clothing. This goes for auto racing too. If Danica Patrick wants my attention, she’d better be driving a convertible at Daytona… topless!”
“Thank you so much, everyone! I love Meet The Matts! You’re all pathetic, wimpy, unintelligent losers but, hey, that’s my base! Don’t forget to vote… for me! Come back tomorrow for someone nowhere near as good, Grinding Ax Walter Hynes. God bless America! And comment below, then follow me on Twitter and Facebook.”