BRONX, NY – Let’s be honest for a moment, no one in their right mind wants to be doing any kind of work the week between Christmas and New Year’s. Why do we continue this charade, year after year after year? The entire week should be a global holiday, where everyone is allowed to be depressed, sleep 14 hours a day, and eat all kinds of garbage. On January 3, we all hit the reset button, pull our sh!t together as best we can, and brave the cruel realities of the next year. Still, Short Matt asked me to write a column, so here now, your 2017 Sports Calendar…
January. All of your least favorite NFL teams (Dallas, New England, Seattle, Pittsburgh, etc.) square off in a playoffs that make you long for that kidney stone you once passed. Alabama wins the NCAA Football National Championship. You knew this was coming, but it doesn’t make it any more palatable. This entire month is like eating at Golden Corral Buffet and realizing there’s not a bathroom in sight.
February. Two truly despicable franchises (Pats and Boys, probably?) slug it out in a Super Bowl which you had better damn well gamble on, otherwise it’s unwatchable. The rest of this month is a vast frozen wasteland bereft of any joy. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about; I was born in February. Need further proof? The NBA All-Star game is in this crummy month. So too are The Academy Awards, where this year they should just read a roll of the 2016 celebrity dead, which should take close to three hours.
March. Whoop dee doo! It’s time for NCAA Basketball March Madness! Love all of those first and second round upsets. Hate the chalk finally winning it all. Will there ever be a rainbow?
April. Baseball starts, and the Mets are mostly healthy… except for three key players that unexpectedly died at the end of 2016. Damn you, 2016! The Yankees start slow and pretty much keep it in neutral the entire month, as they wait for the Gary Sanchez positive drug test bomb to drop.
May. A fingernail on Noah Syndergaard’s pitching hand turns black. The Mets training staff feels the safest move is to amputate his arm above the elbow and whiz him off to the Hospital for Special Surgery. NHL playoffs are in full swing, but the Rangers won’t make it out of the month. Sorry.
June. The Minnesota Wild win the Stanley Cup. I know, right? Didn’t see that one coming. What can you do? In baseball, everyone is still in it… except the Oakland A’s. (Editor’s Note: We can’t be certain whether that is Angry Ward and brother Calm Chris in photo right)
July. Sorry, I’m taking this month off and enjoying summer.
August. NFL training camps open and you could give a rats arse, until the best guy on your fantasy keeper league team ruptures his Achilles reaching for another piece of steak at the training table. Tough darts.
September. The Mets, all but dead after the Harvey, DeGrom, and tragic Syndergaard injuries, make a late trade for Bartolo Colon, giving them new life, and they now lead the NL East by a razor-thin margin over Washington.
October. Washington wins the NL East. The Mets lose one-game wildcard playoff to the Cardinals. The Yankees were never in it. Eli and the Giants are playing .500 ball, and everyone is thrilled, while the Jets set an all-time NFL low attendance mark when two nuns, four drunks, and Fireman Ed are the only ones to witness their 9-6 loss to Jacksonville at Met Life Stadium.
November. Jim Harbaugh senselessly raped by the Wisconsin Badgers mascot. NCAA and police end short, inconclusive investigations with no charges being filed.
December. DJ Eberle wins Nobel Peace Prize.
That’s all for this year… and next year. Come back tomorrow for my man Buddy Diaz. And please follow us on Twitter, @Angry_Ward & @MeetTheMatts, Instagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.