BRONX, NY – For the shortest month on the calendar, February sure as hell takes forever. How long can I possibly dwell on this fact? I’d say at least another week. There’s not a whole lot of sports drama percolating these days, and what little there is seems fairly contrived. You’re almost better off cozying up under a blanket and watching a chick flick. As it is, you’re practically doing it now. Here’s your easy Sports Chick Flick Viewing Decoder.
Ice Castles. The 2017-18 New York Rangers may not feature a blind blonde figure skater or the unbridled “aw shucks” enthusiasm of Robby Benson, but they sure as hell have lost sight of the playoffs and Henrik Lundqvist ain’t getting any younger.
Love Story. Apparently Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and soon-to-be-former race car driver Danica Patrick are an item. Even the biggest Hallmark Channel devotees would have a difficult time imagining this one having some sort of fairy-tale ending. It seems like something a PR company cooked up. Don’t get your heart broken rooting for these two, unless they change course and become a crime-fighting duo named, Cheese n’ Wheels.
Dying Young. The upcoming Mets season.
Sorry, just needed to get that one slam dunk out of the way. Let’s proceed.
The Bodyguard. As the NFL draft approaches, one wonders if the New York Giants will even bother trying to find a bodyguard for Eli Manning at this point. After you’ve been jumped as many times as he has, don’t you just let him flinch and duck his way into retirement?
Beaches. Every Marlins fan, from Miami to… um… North Miami, thinks that new owner, Derek Jeter and old owner, Jeffrey Loria are Sons of Beaches. One guy tore the team down and gave them zero hope for the immediate future, the other pretty much date raped Dade county, robbed them blind, and left them holding the dinner check. Life’s a beach.
10 Things I Hate About You. Sometimes you don’t need 10 things to hate about someone. Sometimes, one is more than enough. Take Rae Carruth, for example. He arranged to have his pregnant former girlfriend killed and now he’s getting out of prison and wants custody of the son that he pretty much had her killed over. This is just too depressing. I’m moving on.
13 Going on 30. The answer to the question: “How many points are the Knicks down?”
Pitch Perfect. What JG Clancy’s Oakland A’s are going to have to do to finish over .500 this year.
The First Wives Club. My wife still loves this movie, which is kinda funny. I still work for a guy who appeared in this movie, which is kinda semi-tragic.
All right, I’m just gonna stop right here. I’ll leave it to the peanut gallery to deal with The Notebook, Sleepless in Seattle, and Clueless. There’s some real low-hanging fruit there. Be sure to come back tomorrow for our own Dirty Dancer, Buddy Diaz. Nobody puts Buddy in the corner.