WHATEVER, USA – It’s exciting to hear that parts of the country are opening up again, giving people in places like Apalachicola and Driftwood Beach the chance to enjoy golf and all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp and getting each other sick as f**k. C’mon baby, let the good times roll. It’s time for your moment on the BIG stage. And don’t listen to any of that hogwash about the food supply chain breaking down. There’s plenty of stuff left to nosh and nibble on, especially at our long-dormant sports venues. Here’s just a sampling of the culinary delights that await.
Diamondback Dogs. Arizona is where hope goes to die, but hot dogs, like Peter Frampton, come alive. The D-backs dress up tube steaks like they’re on RuPaul’s Drag Race, and sell them for upwards up $30 a pop. Their “All Day Breakfast Dog” is an 18-inch hot dog with hash browns, country gravy, cheddar cheese, bacon, fried eggs, hot sauce, and green onion. That’s right, I said 18 inches! But don’t take my word for it, here’s Keith Hernandez a couple of years back in an all-time classic. I never tire of this clip.
McPickles. In an effort to publicize Second Round draft pick Xavier McKinney and try to grab some NYC Lower East Side street cred, the New York Football Giants were set to unveil Kosher Xavier McPickles this year. But, with the season in doubt, the Jints could find themselves over a barrel. Talk about crunch-time. If things don’t kick off in September, as planned, it could be garbage brine early in East Rutherford.
Cotton Candy. This Owens Corning confection can kill any virus, infection, or good time at a sporting event. That’s how evil it is. Say what you want about this medical take, it beats eating Clorox Wipes.
Bowling Alley Food. Go scrounge as much bowling alley food as you can before it ends up in the Slot Gacor. Say what you want about bowling alley cuisine, much of it has half the saturated fat and cholesterol as the victuals served at one of our esteemed sponsors. I also know at least one place that serves breakfast! So head down to your local lanes and pick up some spare ribs, chicken fingers, and Brunswick Stew to go with your own spare tire. Tell ’em Big Ern sent you!
Really Sh!tty Beer. Don’t worry about whetting your whistles during this pandemic, as there are so many stadiums and arenas with kegs and kegs of skunked Bud Light just waiting for you. I’m no beer snob, but how is Bud Light still a thing? It’s worse than Bill Laimbeer. Anyway, drink up, lads and lasses. Plenty to go round!
Ellio’s Pizza. OK, Ellio’s Pizza isn’t sold at sporting events anymore, as far as I know. But I’m old enough to remember a time when vendors sold single-slice Ellio’s at Yankee Stadium (the real Yankee Stadium) and they were they best thing around. I still eat this frozen garbage and revere it. But it was never better than at the ballpark. Pick up a box at your local Food King and chow down.
OK, I’m done. Come back tomorrow for a Buddy Diaz deep dive into the Eagles drafting QB Jalen Hurts and whether or not he ever signed a substitute teacher’s attendance sheet, Dick Hurtz.