Angry Ward Wednesday: Another Dong Derby for Pete Alonso, The Braves Show Off Their Organ, and *The Steelers Might Have Herpes

*The Steelers and Nets do not have herpes as far as we know – this is sports comedy, not fact.

NEW YORK, NY – Anyone else out there chewing their fingernails down to nub worrying about where Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving will end up? Yeah, me neither. I don’t particularly want Durant back with Golden State and I KNOW no one in the Bay Area and beyond wants Kyrie going anywhere near there. So, as far as I’m concerned, let those two NBA Super Team masterminds figure it out. I’m tired of hearing about it. Let’s talk about some other stuff.

Pete Alonso in All Star Home Run Derby. So this is old news already, but New York Mets first baseman Pete Alonso has decided to defend his Home Run Derby title at this year’s MLB All Star Game in LA. Is Alonso wildly entertaining in the HR Derby? Yes. Does he have the perfect physical combination of a half construction worker/half walrus body to withstand this competition without much trouble? Yeah, probably. Do I want him to compete in the Home Run Derby? No. It’s fun, for sure—and now, sadly better than the ASG itself—but it is completely unnecessary. The Mets are competing for the NL East Division title and, hopefully, beyond. They don’t need their most important offensive player whaling away endlessly in some meaningless stunt, when there’s a whole second half of a season to be played, including tons of games against the Braves and Phillies. I wish Alonso would sit this one out and conserve some fuel for the stretch, but the die has been cast. So, I guess: Go, Pete!

Braves Get Something Right. I was watching the Braves/Mets game on Monday night and, slowly, something became apparent. The Braves are one of those extremely rare teams who have chosen not to fill their home games with a constant bombardment of canned noise and music in between hitters, pitches, or any other slower moments. They’re quite the opposite, in fact. You could actually hear the sounds of the ballpark during the broadcast. Moments when Gary Cohen and Keith Hernandez weren’t talking you could hear fans, vendors, and one other awesome thing: an organ. The Braves employ an honest-to-goodness ballpark organist, and he’s great. His name (I looked it up during the game) is Matthew Kaminski, and he’s pretty creative with his music selections. The walk-up tunes he chose for Mets hitters was terrific. He played  the Mr. Ed theme for an early Eduardo Escobar at-bat and then later played him Van Halen’s Jump in honor of another famous Eddie. He also played David Bowie’s Space Oddity for a late-game at-bat for Thomas Nido (Major Tom) and a host of other great stuff. Mr. Kaminski is worth the price of admission and brought back fond memories of former Mets organist Jane Jarvis. Kudos to the Braves and Kaminski for bringing back an old ballpark staple and kicking the new crap to the curb.

Steelers Run Out of Ketchup. The Pittsburgh Steelers, a team that prides itself on history and tradition, will no longer be playing their games at Heinz Field. The naming rights for Heinz—the only ketchup anyone should ever serve—ran out, and for the next 15 years the Steelers will be playing their home games at Acrisure Stadium. Just trips right off the tongue, doesn’t it? Apparently Acrisure is a global insurance broker, but I agree with my friend, former MTM colleague, and Steelers superfan The Public Professor, who texted me that the new stadium name “sounds like a herpes cream.” Speaking of which, I’m itching to get out of here.

That’s enough for today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who is hard at work on a naming rights deal for MTM Studios with Summer’s Eve.

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About Angry Ward 655 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.