BRONX, NY – So, they announced the Academy Award nominees yesterday and, if you’re like me, you saw hardly any of these movies and/or performances. This actually plays right into my hands because… um… a lot of this year’s contenders are… um… sports movies! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Sports movies. So let’s take a look at some of the contenders in various categories.
Best Picture: Elvis. You ain’t nothing but a hound dog, if you missed this splashy Baz Luhrmann (in the conversation for douchiest name ever, by the way) treatment of the incredibly pedestrian life and career of former Niners and Chiefs QB Elvis Grbac. You’ll be all shook up by the final reel where he plays out the string in obscurity with the Ravens.
Best Picture: Top Gun: Maverick. In his most challenging role to date, Tom Cruise plays 23-year-old Luka Doncic, a 6′ 7″ 230-pound all-everything point guard for the Dallas Mavericks whose Eggo waffles are writing checks his body can’t cash. Tom Hanks co-stars as Colonel Mark Cuban.
Best Picture: Triangle of Sadness. The searing true story of the San Franciso Giants, the New York Mets, and Carlos Correa.
Best Actor: Brendan Fraser – The Whale. The buzz in La La Land is that the third time’s the charm for Fraser when it comes to sports flicks. He got your attention as a Jewish football star in a prep school chock full o’ anti-semites in School Ties, he made it difficult for you to suspend disbelief playing a pitching phenom in The Scout, but he’ll make you cry your stupid eyes out as Gordie Howe playing his final NHL season on the Hartford Whalers. The Oscar buzz says Fraser may light the lamp on this one.
Best Original Screenplay: Sam Darnold – Everything Everywhere All at Once. This autobiographical treatment starts with onetime New York Jets quarterback Darnold seeing ghosts against the New England Patriots, but stick around for the feel-good ending where he escapes from East Rutherford’s version of Shawshank and heads south.
Best Animated Short Feature: My Year of Dicks. An unfortunate sports fan meets Aaron Rodgers, Urban Meyer, Kyrie Irving, Skip Bayless, and Short Matt all in the same calendar year. Hilarity DOES NOT ensue.
Best Visual Effects: All Quiet on the Western Front. Everyone is still talking about the stunning visual effects in the amazing final scene of the final reel of the Dallas Cowboys’ 2022 season. Seeing Zeke Elliott get absolutely blown-up, followed by receiver KaVonte Turpin getting wiped out like a random henchman in a Bond movie was amazeballs. Best movie ending of 2022.
Best Live Action Short: An Irish Goodbye. (Nuff said.)
Come back tomorrow for the Philly Flash, Buddy Diaz, who will probably throw us all a curve and discuss the Knicks instead of the Eagles.