NEW YORK, NY – 24-year-old popster Justin Bieber got engaged the other day to Stephen Baldwin’s 21-year-old daughter (good luck with that father-in-law, Biebs), and the kids couldn’t seem happier. That’s the way it always is at the beginning: you’re going to great restaurants, getting bombed, having sex all the time, living in the “now,” and generally riding that incredible wave that is equal parts love, lust, excitement, and an overwhelming feeling of immortality. Needless to say (*Spoiler Alert*), it’s not sustainable. It can’t be. You’d burn out and die, albeit with a huge smile on your face, within a couple of years tops. Though sports is markedly different from the type of love humans feel towards each other, some of the same principles apply. At some point your love for your team will be tested, and you’ll really be forced to confront some harsh realities. Here are some examples.
New York Mets. When you got hitched to the Mets you promised to love them in sickness and in health… but no one could have predicted THIS much sickness and so little health that you feel like you’re watching a continuous tape loop of the final reel of “Terms of Endearment.” Depressing, doesn’t even begin to cover it. Your only choice? Stay strong, because someone in this relationship has to.
Philadelphia Eagles. After years and years of problem drinking, racist rants, and zero ambition, this toothless skank of a franchise finally pulled itself together for a few months and managed to win a Super Bowl. Our Advice? Leave now! When the Eagles revert to form it will be uglier than ever.
Las Vegas Golden Knights. It was love at first sight in the desert. The engagement was sealed with ice, on a rink rather than a ring. And the whirlwind that followed brought you two right to the Stanley Cup altar. You said an enthusiastic, “I do!“, but the clock struck midnight on this hockey fairytale and now you can’t help but thinking that you might be married to a washed out, washed up blackjack dealer with crippling debt and no prospects. Do the honorable Sin City thing and get an annulment.
New York Knicks. NBA doctors have put the basketball love of your life into a medically-induced sports coma until further notice. What are you to do? I mean, it’s probably for the best. The Knicks have been in declining health for years now. Though they finally got that Melo-noma removed, the damage was already done. You can stick it out and pray for a New York miracle or turn your gaze westward, where there are b-ball beauties as far as the eye can see.
Dallas Cowboys. Dump this violent no-good whore of a franchise before its too late. It already may be too late but, with the Cowboys, it can always get worse, much worse.
Miami Marlins. Be honest, you never really cared about this team. This was a marriage of convenience. Once every few years you’d get hot for each other, but then it was over as fast as it had started, and you went back to not caring. Now, Jeter is involved. And he’s already done to your team what he did to the likes of Mariah Carey, Minka Kelly and half the Eastern Seaboard. Just walk away. No need for any official declarations or anything. Walk away, and act like nothing happened. No one will be the wiser.
That’s all for today. I’m quits on this one. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, a man currently “involved” with the New York Yankees. Hope he’s using protection.