Angry Ward Wednesday: Exciting New Coaching Opportunities for Allen Iverson, Steve Bannon, and Others

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BRONX, NY – And, we’re back. The royal “we.” You know… the editorial… Anyway, some new sports sh!t has come to light, man. We’re full into bubble playoffs in both hockey and basketball, halfway through non-bubble regular-season baseball, and bearing down on whatever kinda what-have-you football season is gonna be. But, with these shortened seasons, we’re already starting to see and hear about coaching firings and changes. All the big execs are too busy scrambling, tying to save their phony-baloney jobs, and have no time to vet proper replacements. Not to worry. We’re here to help.

Meet_The_Matts, Angry_Ward, Ward Calhoun, NHL_Playoffs, Mets, Joel Embiid, NBA Playoffs, Steve Bannon, Short_Matt, Derek_Jeter, Matt_McCarthy
Short Matt, Derek and Joel.

Philadelphia 76ers. After getting bounced out of the Orlando Bubble in four straight by the Celtics, Philly canned HC Brett Brown, who had been their coach for (looking it up) 7 years??? That’s like 135 in Knicks coaching years! Anyway, if the Sixers don’t expand their search outside of Disney property they may end up finding Nemo. Instead they should seek their answer in “The Answer,” Allen Iverson. Joel Embiid, among others, will love Iverson’s “practice sucks” approach. Free agents will be lining up all the way from the stupid Rocky statue. Talk about a players’ coach. This one’s a no-brainer.

New York Mets. Speaking of no brains, I know I’m taking leave of what little’s left of mine when I suggest the Mets should cut their losses with manager (looking it up for the umpteenth time) Luis Rojas now and replace him with our very own Matthew McCarthy. Hear me out on this. It’s a very small sample size, but Rojas is just a tad too “meh” for the Mets. Short Matt, as he’s known around here, is definitely not “meh.” But he’s also not an overly magnetic and/or dynamic personality either, which wouldn’t go over well with the Flushing faithful. In short, he’s just stupid enough to work.” Bonus!: He’ll be too busy to edit or talk our ears off about rugby or his latest car troubles.

Washington Capitals. Todd Reirden, who has a 1980s teen movie stuck-up villain name if ever there was one, just got the ax. Don’t overthink this, Washington. Hire manic Flyers’ mascot Gritty right f**king now. This guy means business. He and Ovechkin could drain the DC swamp in one night, and still have room for a case of Stoli.

New York Jets. Gase is the guy. All is well. Stay the course. This is gonna be Darnold’s breakout year… said some guy you never heard of on some fantasy football website he operates from Aunt Kitty’s needlepoint room. Again, all is well.

Miami Marlins. Just do Don Mattingly a favor and fire him already. Baseball Woody Boyd doesn’t belong in South Florida. This should be Steve Bannon’s job, as long as he wants it. He belongs here. Out on $5-mil bail and skipper of a deserted disco of a ballclub. Christ, the guy already looks like the manager of a Leper Colony in Margaritaville. For the good of the game, this needs to happen as soon as possible. Stevie B. trotting (and rotting) out to home with his lineup card, all gin blossoms and open sores, stealing old nicknames for himself like Chief Bender… can’t you just see it? Certain people and places just deserve each other.

New Miami Manager, Mascot, and No-Show Beer Vendor

That’s it for today. Buddy Diaz, who deserves much better, is up tomorrow.

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About Angry Ward 612 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.