NEW YORK, NY – It would be very easy for me to focus on teams and sports items that only interest me today, but the thought of writing a 500+ word screed on the Vikings extending Kirk Cousins sounds about as fun as chewing on a bunch of cilantro while getting a cystoscopy. As my friend JG Clancy said when the extension was announced, “Drinking hemlock now.” I could also get into how I’m actually optimistic about the Mariners this year, despite their 20 year playoff drought, but you people don’t want to hear about that. You care about your own teams. Let’s take a look at some of them. I’m happy to oblige.
New York Yankees. I love that Josh Donaldson is now a member of the New York Yankees. No matter that he publicly called out their ace, Gerrit Cole, last year for being a cheater. The boys are ready to let bygones be bygones and focus on winning a title. It’s the Yankees way! Hell, they did it when they signed Cole, a guy who played for a team that cheated them (among many other teams) in 2017. That signing said, “We hate all of those guys… except this guy.” In some ways, the Yankees’ ability to overlook slights and betrayals is not unlike that same “forgiving” trait you see in guys like Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, and Lindsey Graham. To erase one’s memories by shaking your head like an Etch a Sketch, is certainly convenient.
Los Angeles Lakers. LeBron James and the LA Lakers are now 10 games under .500. Every time I happen by one of their games, LeBron has a look on his face like he just ate a bad plate of Clams Casino and now has to score over 50 points for his team to have a chance. I’m sorry, but it’s kinda funny. Speaking of funny and the Lakers, has anyone here watched any of Winning Time on HBO Max yet? Looks like it could be good for some laughs. The thought of Adrien Brody playing Pat Riley alone makes me chuckle.
March Madness. I don’t know when the switch got flipped, but I really don’t care at all about March Madness anymore, which is why I’m writing about it now. I used to love being in a bracket pool and watching those late-night games in the first few days waiting for a colossal upset. Now I’m even more excited not to be interested at all. It’s very freeing, this ambivalence. Good luck to all of you who still participate. Let me ask you something, did any of you watch a single college basketball game this season, beginning to end?
Dallas Cowboys. Looks like Cowboys’ linebacker Randy Gregory has had second thoughts after Dallas announced they had signed him to a lucrative extension. He’s apparently taking his talents (which include missing A LOT of games) to Denver. Anyway, anyone who screws the Cowboys over can’t be all bad. Looks like Jerry Jones’ Reform School for Wayward Boys isn’t everyone’s cup of tea.
DeSantis Names Kyrie Irving Florida Health Commissioner. Apparently this happened during halftime of last night’s Nets game in Orlando. It’s a good fit all the way around. Nitwits thrive in the Sunshine State.
Ward Agrees to 3-year Deal with San Francisco. I got really excited when I saw this headline. Finally, my agent did something right. But it’s just some football dude leaving KC and latching on with the Niners. If I have to stay here, at least slap me with a franchise tag so I can make some money.
That’s it for today. Come back tomorrow for Buddy Diaz, who (*quickly checks basketball standings*) will definitely be talking baseball.