DENVER, CO – The Cheese is out. Today you get President John Adams.
Amidst the course of human history, love has a way of superseding politics. Antony & Cleopatra, Anne Boleyn & Henry VIII, Marie Antoinette & Louis XVI, just to name a few. All this is well and good for the history books. It serves as a romantic reminder that we as Americans, while faulted, are immune to the ceremonialist, and imperialist wankerisms of the rest of the western world. The abstinence from the royal courts by Americans’ has been a cornerstone of the foundation and prosperity of our country. That is until now, and I am disgusted by it.
I am not disgusted by the idea that Markle, as an American, fell in love with a guy who happens to be the Prince of that silly island we have long forgotten taxed us without representation. I am not disgusted by that silly Island’s infatuation with their own Queen(s). I am however disgusted at the populous in the United States of Don’t Belong to England Anymore would even bother to care what date the proceedings are happening. Much less, tune in during the early hours of the morning the day of to watch the proceedings as well as monopolize hours of media coverage during the weeks leading up to and after the ceremony itself. For an American, the only coverage for the royal wedding that took place yesterday should be an article with the following headline, “Some royal bloke buggered an American chick and as of yesterday he signed up to give her half his stuff in ten years.” The byline should read, “It’s been two hundred plus years and we are now getting our hands on some of the royals’ money they took from us.”
If you have read this far you likely hold one of three trains of thought: First, this guy is nuts but it’s mildly entertaining. Second, this guy is nuts and he needs to take his constitutionalist ass home and read a book or two to understand that the world has changed since 1776. Third, isn’t this a sports blog? [The Mets won a series!]
First group…Thanks. Second group – Would you be celebrating matrimony between Meghan Markle and King Salman of Saudia Arabia? Sultan Qabus ibn Sa’id of Oman? King Abdullah II of Jordan? No, you would not. To assert that some monarchies are acceptable and some are not, is to undermine the American ideal of representative democracy. We choose our leaders and take ownership in our successes and failures as a society. To desire affinity to any crown is to condone an understanding that the few are worthier than their constituents to prescribe the actions of their constituents based solely on authority derived from what minge the person popped out of. I am here to tell each and every one of you…. Your mother’s minge isn’t that special. Neither is anyone elses mother’s minge. How is it that we have come to romanticize the idea of inherent superiority at at time wherein Americans on the margin are worse off than their parents for the first time since the Great Depression? Are we so entitled as to not only interpret failure as a personal injustice, but to idolize wanton waste? #millennials.
Third group…. Yes, this is a sports blog. And you can thank your Continental Army for the following sports truths that are the result of the formation of this great nation:
-Your baseball bats aren’t flat
–Baseball games last three hours, not five days, so stop complaining
-We call football “soccer.”
–Bowling is for drunks not elite athletes
-The greatest test of golf is located in Georgia, not Scotland
-At the ballpark, you can drink at your seat
-You have the choice of a plethora of flavors – not flavours– of sunflower seeds
–Baked beans aren’t breakfast
–The Miracle on Ice – not the Las Vegas Golden Knights
–Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown
And of course, Meet the Matts.
If any of you out there are like me and have family and friends that watched this stupid wedding, I implore you to do the following; Buy them all bright red shirts so they can be easily identified. Go to their houses drunk and dump a box of Tetley’s Tea in the bathtub and make as big a mess as you can. #ExecutiveOrder