Big Ben Tuesday: Goalie With Ice Allergy, Unsatisfied Kate Upton, Patriots Doing Dumb Things, Awesome Oscar Snub

I'm pitching tonight. No soup for you.

TIMBUKTU, MALI – Welcome to the last day of the worst month of the year. I’m still a few weeks from caring about baseball and about a week away from caring about the NCAA tournament. The Knicks might not be relevant again in my lifetime and I plan to live to 782, like Methuselah. Since I don’t know what to write about, I’ll just ramble for a bit.

I’m pitching tonight. No soup for you.

Oh, That Was My Bad
The Best Picture fiasco in Sunday’s Oscars was exactly the kind of awesome awkwardness I expected when Roger Goodell handed the Lombardi Trophy to Bob Kraft. Sometimes great awkwardness happens when you least expect it.

I was a little disappointed that it turned out not to be a senior moment by Warren Beatty. He actually did the right thing by not blurting it out.

Ice Gives Me Hives, Baby
Did you hear about the Quinnipiac goalie who’s allergic to ice? That seems inconvenient.

It’s true, Chris Truel acquired urticartia after a bout of pneumonia while doing some military training. The unusual condition ended his military career and he was also kicked out of the Polar Bears Club.

This is like playing for the Yankees and being allergic to rings…
Jets’ fans being allergic to their own tears…
Playing for the Mets and being allergic to groin pulls…
Phil Jackson being allergic to not giving a crap about his job…
Bill Belichick being allergic to fire and brimstone, the smell of sulfur and burning flesh…
Donald Trump being allergic to spouting nonsense (in his defense, who could have known that fixing the health care system was so complicated?)
Me being allergic to scoring goals…

Sorry, I got a little carried away there. Here’s Rob Gronkowski at the Daytona 500 trying to get a girl to say “69.”

Kate and Justin
Let’s move on. The other big story, according to me, involves Tigers ace, Justin Verlander. His special lady friend Kate Upton is not shy about making public references to their sex life.

And in an interview last week, she said that fiancé Verlander refuses to have sex with her on game days. Uh, what’s that you said Kate?

Baseball has 162 games. Please tell me she only means on the games he pitches. It can’t be all Tiger games, can it? That’s a depressing amount of time in the bullpen for her.

She also said that he won’t partake after a game if he pitched well. Color me confounded. Come on Zoolander, I know you’re ridiculously good looking, but how tired can you possibly be? For the record, I’m a big fan on the DH rule. KnowwhatImean?

Here’s Tom Brady face-planting on the slopes…

Come back tomorrow for Angry Ward, who thinks LaLa Land got snubbed and is extra angry.  Follow us on Twitter at @benwhit8 & @MeetTheMattsInstagram @MeetTheMatts and like our Facebook page, Meet The Matts.

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About Ben Whitney 408 Articles
Ben Whitney comes from journalistic stock. Aside from his brothers, rumor has that his great-great grandfather was the youngest brother of Eli Whitney and covered the earliest "rounders" games. Big Ben is also another New York Rugby Club player/pal of Different Matt, Short Matt and Junoir Blaber. He likes film noir discussions, has twin girls and took up ice hockey after retiring from rugby.