Angry Ward Wednesday: Sports Stuff That Needs Fixin’; How to Fix Sports in Under 500 Words

Did someone say, "steroids?" WWE Lenny wants to know.

BRONX, NY – Before you start in on me (all two of you), I know sports isn’t exactly broken, but there’s still a sh!t ton of stuff that annoys the hell out of me. So shaddup and let me say what I have to say, so you can all go back to crunching spin rates, barrel percentages, and family-size bags of BBQ Pork Rinds. Here’s some Sports Stuff That Needs Fixin’:

Cap Ticket Prices at $100. Everyone should get to see sports games and events in person.

Let the Mets Use Steroids. The way their offense is going, this seems like something insurance just might cover. Barring that, you just know Mr. Met has a source. I mean look at the size of his cranium!

Take Baseball and Hockey Out of Florida. Trust me, Floridians won’t even notice. Just leave them with football, basketball, the Daytona 500, and a Panera Bread and Carrabba’s Italian Grill on every other corner and life in God’s Waiting Room will go on uninterrupted.

Burn MetLife Stadium to the Ground and Start Over. I don’t believe this needs any further explanation.

Ban Thursday Night Football. Thursday night is the best night of the week. Everyone knows this. So why are we ruining it with putrid football? Thursday night needs to be liberated and once again be free to laugh heartily at all the other nights of the week.

Sonics Back to Seattle, North Stars in Minnesota. This one’s easy. There’s some momentum to bring the SuperSonics back. Now all we have to do is let the team currently playing as the Minnesota Wild change team name, logo etc., BACK to the North Stars. If those losers in Dallas want to stay as “The Stars” who cares?

Trade for Ereck Flowers. The former  New York Football Giants matador is quite the hot potato these days. I think MTM should trade for him. We need new voices. We can send a package including, but not limited to, Cam James, Christine Mendelbaum, and dinner for two at The Pig n’ Whistle.

Bring Back Jeno’s Snack Trays. This has nothing to do with sports, I just miss these mini pizza treats from my youth.

Promote Aaron Boone to Yankees’ Head Honcho. I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and I don’t think the Yankees firing Aaron Boone will accomplish anything good. But I DO think that making him the chief organizational decision guy could be just the thing. He’s earned it, and so have all of us.

Bring Back Bowling for Dollars. Before The Big Lebowski, there was Bowling for Dollars. These weren’t pros, they were regular schmoes who were bowling for (hardly any) cash on the most craptastic sports-themed gameshow ever. It was truly glorious television.

That’s it for today. Must save up energy to laugh at the Jets tomorrow… Speaking of tomorrow, our own player-to-be-named-later, Buddy Diaz, is back!

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About Angry Ward 755 Articles
Angry Ward, who has admirers at the New York Times, is the quintessential angry sports fan but for one exception... he's flat-out funny. And the angrier he gets, the more amusing his work becomes. Psychiatrists say, "Angry Ward's 'anger' is a direct result of "Bronx/Mets syndrome: growing up in the Bronx as a Mets fan." As if that weren't enough, his Minnesota North Stars abandoned him for Dallas, forcing him to embrace The Wild the way Nancy Pelosi embraces Mitch McConnell at charity events. And while his Vikings only tease him with success, his Golden State Warriors actually win these days. A-Dubya is MTM's longest-tenured indentured servant, its Larry David and quite simply, "The Franchise." (Junoir Blaber disputes this). Vent, curse and giggle with him on Angry Ward Wednesdays.